thank you again 25, your words are healing, and it's fantastic to have someone who has been there and understands, firstly today was horrific, overtired, emotional(h bday tomorrow) kids also tired and we fed our emotions on each, by the time I rang h tonight for the boys to say goodnight, I was too emotionally overwrought, I should have let him talk to the boys and then said we'd see him tomorrow for his bday, but I didn't, I told him I was disappointed that he hadn't rung them this morning when he promised he would, I was angry when I said that he had to tell his mother that I wouldn't be going for the family dinner tomorrow night to celebrate his birthday, and overly defensive when he said he would be happy if I was there or I wasn't there, it was my choice. I was depressed when he said he went out last night, couldn't remember what happened or what time he got home. and in all of that, I forgot to praise him for washing all the kids sheets etc at his house, and to be gracious that he wanted to see the boys and myself before he goes to work in the morning.
all three boys are current h's, I never had children(thank god) with my ex h.
the marriage to my ex h was over before it even began, we got together when we were 19, it was very exciting, he was into skateboarding, drinking, partying, all the things that are 'cool' when your 19, but at 29, these things aren't so fun anymore. he became a binge drinker, still smoking pot on a daily basis, and other hard drugs on the weekend, life was unpredictable to the point I would be afraid to go out with him because he always got into fights. he was never physically abusive towards me in a true sense, but many violent actions around me, such as putting a compound crossbow through a window right pasrt my head.
after two years of marriage, and my every attempt to get him to go to c with me or a drug program, both of which he refused, I gave up, I wanted more, and I didn't want to bring children into such a turbulent relationship.
I met current h within three days of leaving first h, hindsight is wonderful, but I cant change the past in that aspect, and if I have to be honest, I don't think I would.
if I imagine that h has passed away, I see that I would stay in this town, for at least a while, the boys family are here, and they would need the stability and support as I would. I would stay home more, but have more friends over, I would do more weekend trips to visit friends and family that live away from here. I would feel free to not have the expectation that I had to meet someone else. I would let the boys hair grow wild, I would buy a cat for each of them. I would make sure I didn't work on Saturdays anymore so they do what sport they wanted, I would read more, watch really bad movies, I would make more cards, I would keep myself busy, but allow myself time breathe, I would tell my boys how much they are loved and how proud their dad was of them, and they are amazing.
the first time h cheated, I had the gut feeling something wasn't right, I think I chose to ignore it for a while, it was I think predominantly ea, he, got his love tank filled, she told him what he needed to hear, do I think I had large part in that one, in a way, yes, I was so wrapped up in me and my issues, I pushed him away.
I'm beginning to see with him, that he want to be the protector, the provider, not that he wants someone who falls apart, like I did, but someone who needs him, he even re iterated this the other dsy, when he said he still wanted to protect me, though its going to be different now, then got upset, I felt, and had to ask me 'don't you want me to protect you anymore?'
second a, I don't know, was a combination of my relentless anger/neediness/kids etc, I cant answer that because we have never really talked about it, I asked why, he said he didn't know, and after the heartache of the first time, I didn't want to know the details, I just wanted to know it was over, he said/says yes, but again, the gut says there's something going with someone.
its not a deal breaker for me anymore, a lot of his behaviours to me, at the moment, feel mlc, especially after reading some of the posts on here. this is not the same person I knew, but id like the chance to get to know the new one, but I also know that whatever hes going through right now,I have to let him do.
