I wonder do people know that they should work on themselves.. before this it was not something I had thought of... I figured that I was what I was.. it was only when he pointed a finger and said I ruined his life that I started talking to someone..I have to admit I thought therapy or counselling was something that only people in movies did or in America ( sorry folks but that was the thought). I used to scoff at the signs on doors of people offering counselling, therapy etc.. I used to think who was so pathetic they cannot work out their own lives.. then I fell in a heap and 2 american friends asked about seeing someone.. they said they had been to counselling and it helped. ? They were right..now I see why I do what I do and why I feel what I feel and it helps.. I did not ruin his life.. if he had said anything about his feelings I would have examined my thinking then..now the accusation is that I never cared about his feelings. ? I know it is not db but I could validate then had to add you never told me.. he said "I know" but he is still angry...
I realise how much control matters to me to keep my future safe.. futile I know but I know somewhere I believe if I think enough about something it will work out the way I want.. if I am persistent the world will fall into my plan and I will be safe.. if I keep asking the same question eventually you will give me the answer I want.. all in the most loving way of course and with no intention to hurt anyone just to look after me..
so maybe I did ruin his life. ? Who knows if that is his truth then there is nothing I can do to change it... though a little voice in me wants to say, even now, yes there is talk at him , convince him with logic and examples.. keep talking until he changes his mind..
I guess at least I know now that is an ugly controlling pursuing plan..and I can only validate when he raises that topic again and again and again...
I can only show that I know what I do and that I am trying hard not to..and I have to wait..
sorry for the long journalling ramble.. it helps to put this out there publically.. bit like being an alcoholic. At an AA meeting "Hello people I am Loua and I am an anxious, rescuing control freak!"
I hope it is not too late.. for us.. he is so cold and distant, so seemingly angry...you can imagine how that makes me twitchy.. I so much want to fix that and make him happy, I know I can if he would just let me control things for him...I know I can't I won't I know it is futile. but the habits of a lifetime.. and I logically can see I am allowing him to dictate my thoughts and mood.. what is odd is that is the last thing he wants to do..not sure which part of me needs to be removed to stop these useless thoughts and feelings..
and I can mind read and obsess about him plus do other things.. multitasking is not always positive... even had a job interview and thought about him in the background.. got the job too... will walk the dog and try to control this monkey brain.. maybe I need a weeks retreat in a monastery or a Buddhist centre.. maybe..or a lobotomy. ?
