Hi Exquisite, This is exactly what we all our facing with our MLC S's. They would rather see US as the "problem" then face the fact that they are the damaged one's. No other person or thing can "make" another "happy". My W has suffered from low self esteem for years. Now she thinks that by changing the past, dumping her 'old" life and being "In control" of her life (she never was out of control) she will find the elusive "happiness". No "thing" outside of herself can bring this. No OP, no job, no house, no "new" friends. Only by looking inside and coming to terms with what is missing inside can any of the MLCers find what they seek. How long it takes will depend on how many different "things" they have to try on before they realize this.
They are in so much pain they forget that they EVER felt differently about us and our R's. This is why it's so common the hear "I never really loved you" when we know this isn't true. They really believe this as it explains how they aren't the problem, WE are. Until they can finally see that once we are out of their lives and they still feel the same no matter what other changes they make (OP, new job, new home, new personality, etc.) can they hope to start seeing the truth. Some may pretend forever. Some will be too "proud" to admit they were wrong. But those that do that will never really find happiness or peace. Others may come to realize but too late to matter to the LBS who has moved on. A few lucky ones will realize in time before they destroy their old lives completely. All we can do is move ahead and be the best we can be. Mourn the loss of the person they used to be and maybe leave a small opening just in case they find the truth in time. Now, if the truth is the MLC was ALWAYS damaged from the start. That is different. This may be what some LBS's come to realize. That this isn't a "crisis", but who they always were but now have grown tired of the R and want to move on to abusing a new person. If that is the case, the LBS is lucky to be rid of them! This is part of the work we need to do on ourselves.
Just my thoughts, for what they are worth. Didn't mean to hijack, MM.
