Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

Don't despair, odsnt.

Don't be afraid to share honestly, and you will get good advice here and you will come out of this better off.

Cheers zew.

It's funny isn't it, here we all are, delving deep into your soul, dredging out our innermost thoughts and beliefs, being extremely vulnerable, all in front of a bunch of people we've never met.

Thank you so much MWD, the VETS (they get caps too :-) and everyone else on here.

[Old Dog]

So, I woke this morning and the whole thing hasn't disappeared into the night. It isn't a bad dream.

Just reading another thread and I think I'm maybe acting 'as if'. As if nothing has really happened, just I'm far more positive than before B day and trying to be pro-active.

Having said that she asked about the Tour de France last night: I'm a big fan and it starts in Yorkshire today. We have two friends who live nearby, they're her friends from way back. A couple of months ago I suggested we ask to go and visit this weekend, in fact I brought it up a couple of times. Then the bomb dropped. I haven't mentioned it since as it wasn't really a priority now.

So last night she asked me why I haven't done anything about it. S12 came in them so luckily I was prevented from saying what I really thought. I asked you, you didn't seem interested at all, you then drop the bomb and now your saying I should have seen to it and we needn't have stayed with friends.

W announced she's off to the nearest big town. When she comes back with something, normally I wouldn't make a big deal about what it us. Maybe even say 'what more boots?' in a jocular, but really, you do have boots fashion. I won't do that, but now I'm wondering how much 'oh that's really nice' should I lay on?

I should stress that this sort of reinforcing behaviour is something I need to work on but she won't necessarily appreciate right now as it's one of my failings and could be seen as chasing. Tightropes! I tell you I'm not a fan.

On a positive note, my therapist texted a reminder about my session on Monday. I gave so much to say and work on.

[sandi2]

I should stress that this sort of reinforcing behaviour is something I need to work on but she won't necessarily appreciate right now as it's one of my failings and could be seen as chasing. Tightropes! I tell you I'm not a fan.

Whose behavior are you trying to reinforce......and which behavior?

I either don't understand what you are talking about here, or you've missed the point.

The only thing I am seeing as reinforcing behavior is you gushing over more boots she's bought. I can see that reinforcing her shopping behavior and buying things she doesn't need......b/c she thinks she has your blessings. How does this all play into the more important issues you need to deal with right now?

[Old Dog]

I should stress that this sort of reinforcing behaviour is something I need to work on but she won't necessarily appreciate right now as it's one of my failings and could be seen as chasing. Tightropes! I tell you I'm not a fan.

Whose behavior are you trying to reinforce......and which behavior?

Ah no. I mean one of the things that W brought up was my inability to do the kind of things that Gerald Rogers wrote about in his 'things I wish I'd known about' viral post. Just simple things like tell your wife you love her.

I either don't understand what you are talking about here, or you've missed the point.

The only thing I am seeing as reinforcing behavior is you gushing over more boots she's bought. I can see that reinforcing her shopping behavior and buying things she doesn't need......b/c she thinks she has your blessings. How does this all play into the more important issues you need to deal with right now?

Hmmm, yes. Red herring alert. It doesn't relate does it. I don't mind how many boots she owns, but when I joke 'how many' every time, I guess it ceases to be funny.i can stop doing that anyway.

[MrBond]

"Just reading another thread and I think I'm maybe acting 'as if'. As if nothing has really happened, just I'm far more positive than before B day and trying to be pro-active."

Have you REALLY read DB/DR? That's not what acting 'as if' means. Look it up.

[Old Dog]

I have read DB and am now on DR. Obviously I'm no expert. I just thought what I read was similar. More study needed then.

[Old Dog]

"Just reading another thread and I think I'm maybe acting 'as if'. As if nothing has really happened, just I'm far more positive than before B day and trying to be pro-active."

Have you REALLY read DB/DR? That's not what acting 'as if' means. Look it up.

I haven't re-read yet, and I get that you have used caps on really. I'm cautious about getting DR out whilst at home in case W finds it, I am able to read & post on the forum on my iPad though as I can quickly quit without raising suspicion if she comes in the room.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm acting as positive as I can, not mentioning R, not starting conversations but responding as I normally would if W does. Being a friend. Being a father.

What worries me is, this is exactly what she wants. She wants me to be a friend and father. She wants all the advantages of a H without the intimacy. And I'm concerned she will think I have accepted this, but I don't know what I should do about it.

[Old Dog]

Doh! It's GAL isn't it.

[Old Dog]

Funny old day today. I made two assumptions that turned out to be wrong.

There was a car show on near me, I called one of my friends who livs about an hour away and he said he'd come along.

I assumed W wouldn't want to go as whenever we've been to one before she gets bored.

He didn't and she did! Just shows you can be wrong about anything.

It was a bit weird later on as we hadn't seen my friend for a while and so he asked all these 'catch up questions' about us. We've only told a handful of people, so having to pretend everything is fine was 'lump in throat time'.

[Old Dog]

Uh! LinkedIn just asked me if I know my wife. I wasn't expecting that and it just floored me: I'm not sure why.

I didn't connect.