#32: My Power & Detachment: Letting go/BLESSED!!

[makingmagic]

Sandi, I can see your point in asking "why would he ask me that, now"? However, it was major progress for me to not be asking & interrogating throughout his real estate dealing. It also didn't occur to me what I should have said at the time anyway....so, better to say nothing at all. I bite my tongue<<< That is new for me.

Please see this as a victory & not coward avoidance.

I am not afraid to take him on... I have done plenty of that in our relationship & that was what he said was our ending (because we were fighting too much). I am not interested in fighting with him any more. Bond, taught me a tool which I prefer & that is to sometimes say nothing. The less I say the better...keep 'em guessing.

It did occur to me.... much later, wishing that I had said "no, I don't have an opinion as I haven't really paid much attention" OR "my opinion is much different to what you are doing"... or something along that effect.

But really, it doesn't matter. I am not being a coward by not saying something... I am not afraid of him that way.

I am working through my fears of reprimand. You ask what can he do to me now? What is the worst he could do to punish/hurt me?... Nothing! I was letting Reconcilliation be my motivation/fear... however, since "I" took it off the table 3 weeks ago ... I am no longer allowing that to guide my actions/words/thoughts.

What I have come to realize & admit is that my fear has been about reconciliation. It was preventing me from doing/speaking/acting/etc... in any way that may harm the chances for reconciliation. In the last 3 weeks I have since realized that this is NOT the way to be. To break the cycle of his control/my fear, I must push through regardless of the outcome to reclaim my self worth. This is what I have been working on. Its a struggle, but I review each situation as an opportunity & do what I think is right & live with the outcome. (regardless of R or NOT).

For example, this morning he called 2x looking for a response from me regarding a work matter. He expected I would provide him with it last night. I didn't give it to him last night.. I figured it could wait until today. When he called this morning, I said I was back in bed resting & asked if it was needed right this minute?... he said no, & to tell him when I got up. <<<<< This is new, I ignored his first call, on 2nd call contemplated jumping out of bed to get what he wanted. I also feared telling him I was sleeping. However, I wish I had said... when I get up, I will check (on my schedule). Still learning.

When you suggest the unhealthy part... you are assuming that I want THIS kind of relationship still. I do not. I have realized weeks ago (& more and more each day) that it is unhealthy & I want & deserve WAY better. Yes, I still want him... but under different circumstances. Much like how my daughter wants us to reconcile too... but only if BOTH of us can change. I am working on me... He is NOT working on him. For now, it is a dream. I do fantasize of him treating me differently... and until he does, its just a dream. Meanwhile, I am doing all the growth & change. He will need to catch up.

A woman who is giving/making excuses to be with her physically abusive husband... I can see what is unhealthy. I am NOT that woman! I have NEVER been in an physically abusive relationship (would never even consider it!).... I will not be in any unhealthy relationships. Which is why I am pulling myself away from him & his life. I see it is unhealthy for me. I cannot be around it. Which is why I have not been indulging in his real estate stuff. I just want to back away.

Minor: even yesterday, he was anxious to get back to work & bring in our usual "coffee". viewed as his "coffee & connection time" (I previously saw it as a path for reconciliation). I declined. First, because I really didn't want a coffee (usually have one anyway, if he offers fearing to say no) and second, because I am not interested in his "connection" time. I just want to work & get out!

I really want to get through the other side of this... I do intend on learning this lesson and it being life altering !! I am not putting myself through all this pain for nothing! It will be a waste if I do not come out a better/healthier person! I am becoming my own cheerleader!

A few years ago a friend commented to me "I am not HIS to create into what he wants. I am "this way". Love me for me, or don't. <<<<< this is now finally making A LOT more sense.

I am not "HIS" ... companion/friend/sex toy/confidant, etc. He cannot just pick & chose the parts he wants to "borrow/use" on his terms/ his convenience. He removed all those benefits & more when he chose not to be in a relationship with me. Therefore, I will not give them to him. I am an all or nothing package deal.