Agreed ad I might.. You would think after all these months and all this reading here and on MLC sites and IC I would not think that writing to him and telling him how awful everything is would help I any way.. except that is my thought today I am so overwhelmed with not only the work load here but also the loss of this relationship that I so much want tell him howit feels.. there is a part of me that thinks if he knew what this was doing to me he would stop.. but that is not true is it? There is a part of me that thinks he is not happy with the OW ut that is also not true there is a part that thinks that if I still feel thisway aout him. How can he possibly not love me anymore.. but that is alsonot true.. And I so want him to be the man who realises we were good together, gets some therapy and wants to work on the marriage but that is probably not going to happen is it? I need to stop seeing every positive interaction as a possible beginning to reconciliation.
I wonder if this holding onto hope is doing me any good. I have to stop thinking that in this situation reading, taking notes, practicising responses will change the situation.
I have learned a lot about me.. not sure what to do with it.. it is so intrinsic to who I am I am not sure how far away from being a rescuer I can get.. I really miss caring for someone.. really is that so pathetic.. I am not designed to be alone. And yet I know that is what he says annoyed him..
I know what pushed him over the edge.. I can't quite fill that love bank now.. he needed affirmation and tonnes of it and when I stopped affirming because his decisions were totally terrible for me.. then that was the final straw for him..add work stress, conflict avoider, passive aggressive into the mix.. yet in his defense he was the sweetest most thoughtful and kind man. Universally liked.. quiet but someone who would do anything for anyone.. now he is so different.. I find that hard to accept.. I think too much about him.. I know all the GAL but I can do many things at once and these days everything is done with background of he left you he doesn't want you. ? You failed... I ran a 10 k race hoping he would show up..I looked for him in the crowd..how pathetic is that.. he does not seem to cope at all when I am in the city he lives in and the OW? how will that work I wonder I have to move there in 2 weeks.. for work ...before I get slammed for chasing him..
I know I should post on other threads but does anyone need to hear from me... I have no clue and am the worst D B inthe history of the program..
so now at least I won't call him and tell him I love him and ask again to work on us.. I wont email a sad email about how tough it is for me..I won't text and ask him to call me..
I know the theory people I just can't put it into practice in my head..
This is just a rant to stop me doing something stupid..
