Trying Again

[topgunmb]

After re-reading what I had initially posted last year, I realize that there was still a lot of pain and anger in what I was saying. So, I'm going to try again now that I feel that I am in a better place emotionally.

My W and I have been married 11 1/2 years and have now been separated a year. There has been a lot happen that lead up to the separation and I know it's best to keep things short in these posts. The long and short of it is that things became very rocky in our relationship after a move out to CA taking us from a comfort zone to a very different life. She started making friends with people at school that were 10 years younger than her and living a very different lifestyle than her. Unfortunately for myself and the kids, we couldn't compete with these people. She told me May of 2013 that she didn't love me anymore and that our marriage was over. When I asked her if she was going to file for divorce, her response was "No one said anything about divorce," which I have to say, was very odd. She moved out in July 2013.

Since then, I have taken that time to try to compose myself. It was hard at first and then finding DR really helped. I started focusing on myself and being the best dad I could be to 2 children that were very confused. I'm working on losing weight and buffing up, changing out my wardrobe when finances permit, and just trying to be in an overall good mood. I try to be as confident as I can without seeming like a jerk when decisions need to be made. I know, though, that I could do a better job of detaching.

For her, I don't know details about what's going on and I don't ask anymore. I allow her to tell me when she's ready. She has A LOT of pride and forgiveness has always been something that she has struggled with. It's been a tough year for her. Her car was impounded (31 parking tickets...yes, 31) and she was evicted from the apartment she was living in with one of her guy classmates (whom she insists was just a friend and nothing more, he is going through a divorce). I had to help with the car because my name is on it (she can't qualify for the loan on her own). She went to live with an older, female classmate and things suddenly seemed to improve between us. It wasn't much, but suddenly she was inviting me to do stuff with her and the kids on the weekend and she was starting to communicate with me more. Unfortunately, it appears the pendulum has shifted again in the other direction.

Now, I find myself standing at the beginning of a barren wasteland where my children are visiting family for what may be the rest of the month. She is back here, but I have zero expectations that I will see her during this time. And that's tough to know. She would come up on the weekends to spend time with the kids and after they went to bed, we would watch something together and she would let me rub her feet.

Anyway, this is starting to get long. I'm hoping I can call upon your guidance and suggestions on how to tackle this best because sometimes, I just feel lost and hopeless.