Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

I want to change my life now. Maybe I just wasn't ready before. I didn't know the half of it. But I am so fed up with feeling not quite good enough. Well not just 'feeling' as it turns out. I understand this is for me: it is not about saving my M. That would be a bonus. It may be too late to save my M, but I want to give it a go by changing. I love the girl, she's my W, she's the mother to my children.

I mentioned in my thread I went to therapy before and I was unsatisfied in that it was just all talk. Yes I got some insight, but nothing like I've discovered in the past month. It is at the same time painful, depressing and enlightening. Now I have found SBT, I feel there is something I can do about it: there is hope.

Fear means I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.

Being away during the week, it's easy to detach as she isn't there. I still feel desperately sad that this has happened - I let it happen - but I am physically detached by 180 miles and can get can support from my flatmates. Should I be doing this though? If I'm already detached during the week, should I be doing something else? I'll definately start calling the kids though.

When I'm home, I'm trying to keep busy. Household chores like washing, cleaning, ironing, fixing stuff, mowing the lawn etc. Not all the time but not sitting around gawping at a TV or doing nothing.

I'm also trying to think of family things to do at the weekend: somewhere to go, some activity to do. For too long we never went out, never met anyone - we don't really know anyone socially where we live, we moved here a couple of years ago. W admits she's not very good on the social front. Of course she has friends but they're mostly old friends and they're dotted around the country - mine are as well I suppose.

I'm trying to keep a PMA: I think I'm getting better at this. W always said my glass was half empty: I'm trying to fill it up a little. I try and be cheery, but overly so it appears false. I try and engage more with the kids. I can tell S12 misses me: S14 I think is holding back a bit.

I'm not discussing anything about the relationship, the marriage or our future. If it comes up, I'm planning to say I'm just working on myself as best as I can at the moment. I think she wans to know that I'm all right, but doesn't want to open an emotional can of worms. Plenty of worms were spilt in the first two weeks as I did all the usual reactions, so we're avoiding any of that. Just a guess though.

She wants us to remain friends and be a good father, but this relationship is over.

How can I remain friends? You just dumped me and said I'm not good enough. I want to be good enough. The old relationship is over, that's OK with me. I want to build a new relationship. One where I can be an equal partner. One where I can will be able to love and nurture and do those things that Gerald Rogers lists.

I still don't feel like I've asked for what I need. More rambling, but maybe I'm getting closer. I'll stop there before it gets too long now.