Can you clarify which TED videos you're referring to?
Thanks! Sure can... Amy Cuddy's talk at the TED Conference "Fake it til You Become it" is on youtube She has several videos but that's the specific one I was referring to. Of course, there are others that could also help.
Shawn Achor has several also, but the one I was referring to is about 20 min and it called "Positive Psychology" and both of these talks were at the 2012 TED Conferences...and again, both of these speakers have several talks that are relevant and pieces of their talks on youtube.
The whole speech by Shawn, for instance, is maybe 22 min but there are several pieces of it around. But If you can, get his whole talk b/c it flows nicely into usable conclusions, and it's not that long. Same for Amy Cuddy's talk, and btw, she also discusses how changes in our posture changes what we put out to the world AND how WE see ourselves.
My realtor told me once that she "assumes the power position" before every sales presentation.
And watto, you listed some fears up there ^^^.
Family will not be intact. You don't know this for sure at this point. Try to not dwell on it. Focus on strengthening your relationship with your boys as you would as a single mom. For now. TRUE^^^^. Does this mean that military families are not intact, b/c a spouse lives elsewhere? OR if a parent is killed, does the whole family wither and die?
And what about all the divorced families in the world who are NOT all miserable? You have to teach your kids that NOT having their dad around 24/7 is not guaranteed misery.
You CAN create happy memories for them, without their dad. By now that has already happened I'm sure. I took my kids on a short ski trip right after h returned to work the day of after Christmas, and that showed us all we could drive into the mountains, change a tire in a snowstorm and still find the cabin we had rented. You show them that they are going to be fine with or without h around. Yes it'll hurt, no question. But it IS survivable.
Also, don't forget the other families around, going thru the same or similar things I would not overlook that. This can be done. ''
Will not be able to support boys the way they deserve. ''
Again, this is not written in stone. Is there a difference between an ideal lifestyle and a practical one? How much will they really suffer if they need to make sacrifices? Is it really about the "stuff"? Equally important is having a mom who is strong, healthy, stable, and helps them feel protected and cherished. (I don't have kids, but I was one, once...)
IF/WHEN You tell the kids, stress to them what will NOT change in their lives. If they must move, will they still be in the same neighborhood AND OR school district? If so, tell them all that asap.
Our kids biggest fear, which I asked both d's at the time (son was at college), was moving again. I knew then that we would not likely move til d1 finished high school and that mattered a lot to her. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow b/c you are hurting 'your todays" with the futurizing. This is a good example of letting your fears take over. Stop that.
The kids need to see you OWN your life and believe in it.
The Best Man You've Ever Known will not be your H any more. Well, I hate to point this out but right now he's hardly marriage material! Do you want THIS MAN as your husband the way he's acting? Or do you grieve the loss of the man you (thought) you had? Is he REALLY the best man you've ever known? Or are you worried that you'll never find anyone as good, or one as good who wants you? My guess is there is a combination of these ^^ factors in your heart.
I think you FEAR that deep down, you are not lovable, and that is why the man who really "gets you", does not love you. You worry that if you are such a great catch, how can he leave you all?
I understand this^^ but I'm here to say, not all of this is about you. AND, to be sure, & That is where the past depression and fears of abandonment have played a role. The negative spin will insert itself if you let it. Don't. Put a stop sign in your mind when you start swirling like a negative vortex. Take the "exit ramp" to positive thinking and DO see those youtube presentations on this positivey thinking powers to change etc.
Trust me, there are TONS of great guys out there, if you H chooses to no longer be one of them!
My point is--these are fears and negative thoughts that are running around in your head. But that's all they are: FEARS and THOUGHTS.
They create negative emotions, but they CAN'T HURT YOU.
So dwelling on all this is what's hurting you, and that's why you need to find a way to stop.
It's really hard, really painful, but it can be done.
You can read my thread/posts for some things which have worked for me. The key is: STOP THE THOUGHT CHANGE THE THOUGHT to something positive/empowering Emotions will follow.
Wash, rinse and repeat. exactly
I feel for you, watto.
Reality Bites!
(And WE bite back! )
--GG
we're all rooting for you!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
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