Hi all - "was never in love"

[Mat]

Bashy,

So I talked to my coach. She brought a bit of nuance to the whole LHR thing, and going dark. I wish I had taken more notes, but here is the gyst - hopefully I'm conveying the right meaning.

Going totally dark for a very extended period is not always the solution. It is especially good for when a person is basically going off the deep-end, acting badly. Of course it's not meant to be forever.

Now, in my case, because a longstanding complaint was lack of connection and lack of attentiveness on my part, I should probably initiate contact in a few weeks if she has not. But, and see db's post on this on my thread, it still means no expectations, no pleading, no discussing the relationship. And you better have some 180s to showcase.

Now this is dangerous advice if taken at face value and without the whole context. This would be a very bad strategy 2 weeks after separation for instance, or if you're still arguing every time you talk. You have to be on good terms, and you have to make sure that you have give the WAS the space that she needs, if that's the case. As helpful as this board is (and I really mean that it is), as it raises good points to think about and consider, to me it's quite good to spend an hour discussing in depth too. Without the different perspectives that I read about from fellow DBers, I wouldn't have thought to articulate the right question to my coach that applies to ME.

As pilot was saying, you need to consider the particulars of your relationship. But it's hard to do alone. Ben made a good point that LRT is standard when a spouse leaves; but going through the pages again it says not to pursue. It does totally forbid a contact after a few weeks as long as it's not pursuing. Just an offer to catch up...

So be wary of taking what I said at face value; it's only because I wanted to conclude our discussion.