I hope you are right. From what you post, it does seem you have made some outward improvements, but then I don't know what all has been unsaid.......and that's okay. This is your thread, to say or not say whatever you may choose. My objective here is to help, not to tear you down.
I suppose it is difficult for me to know first hand what it is like to live with a person who manipulates and controls. I worked within about six ft. with a person like that for over fifteen yrs. But I didn't have to live with it. I had a very controlling MIL for about forty years that affected everyone in my family, especially my H.
You speak of fearing his reprimand, what does he do to you? Get angry, belittle, punish, threaten, yell, get physical? B/c you don't have to stand there and take it as if you are his child. Yes, my sister's H uses all those methods to control her. So, your xbf is just as bad as hers. But just as I've told her, it is your choice to stay in it.
Even though you are no longer sharing his home, you are still living with his behavior every day. You keep expecting him to change. It isn't going to happen. He is selfish and you catered to his every selfish desire for twenty yrs. It worked pretty good for him.
He continues to control you. Mind control. Once he has control over your mind, he really didn't have to "do" anything else. You do it to yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
