Old dog seeks new trick

[sandi2]

Hi, saw your message to come by. I read through your thread, and unless I missed something, it appears that you have been very passive in the MR. I am curious, who did the pursuing when you met your W and began dating?

My H and I have been through several "transitions" in our M. Married young, so you have to find a way to grow together or the couple will definitely grow apart. My H has never communicated well with me. I believe for me, it has been the most frustrating issues in my M. Communication is how we connect with people. I kept wanting to "feel" an emotional connection with my mate. I would turn my soul inside out to him, and he would just sit there like a knot on a log. I told him over & over what I needed, but I could never see him put any action/effort into our R.

He also waited on me to "drive" the R. He was perfectly contented to sit on the couch and watch TV every minute he wasn't working or sleeping. I definately did not inticipate this when we were dating. But I look back, and there were a few signs I should have seen. But I made excuses for him. Anyway, enough about my M. I just wanted you to know that I see some similar actions in what you have posted.

As has been stated, you are the ONLY one who can change the way you are. It is not easy to live past 50 and try to make such drastic changes.......but I am crazy enough to believe a person CAN do it if they WANT to badly enough. Just remember, it's your call.

I believe passivity in a H is a very serious problem that breaks down the respect the W had when she M him. Over time, it becomes more obvious that he simply won't step up and take the position of leader for his family. Even though these days more emphasis is placed on the H and W being equal partners in the M, I still believe each one has a role to fill. And men and women are born with certain natural instincts that have not changed. One for the woman is looking to her H as a leader. She wants a man who has an inner strength and confidence who will protect and provide for her and her children. Npt one who treats her like she's beneath him or as if she's incapable of doing as much or as good of a job toward anything he may do. But it is just one of those natural things we women have that go back to the beginning of mankind.

So anyway, even if she takes over......and she certainly will......her respect will be influenced by the passivity of her H. He finds it is so much easier to just go along with whatever she says and avoid any conflict. Therefore, he not only takes the back seat....he goes to sleep and leaves all the driving up to her. Not attractive at all.

So far, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. It is a killer to a MR! It kills her compassion, patience, sympathy, attraction, interest, energy, and respect. It took a long time for the passivity to corrode her love for you......but it finally took its toll. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you.

You need to enter this knowing that you cannot have any expectations of hef working. She's done! Don't even expect her to meet you halfway. Your goal is to improve yourself as a man. Not to impress her. Not even to win her back. If the M is reconciled, that is just a plus bonus. Your objective is to turn yourself around and become a man you NEED to be. I started to say the kind you "want" to be, but when reading your posts, you seem satisfied with the way you have been. But, you have paid a very high price.

I will get back with you in a bit, b/c I know this post is long. But I will go on and tell you this much. The five days you are gone on the job, you need to call your kids! Not calling her was bad enough, but your kids need to hear from their father.....giving them the opportunity to share that day with him. Anyone can be a weekend parent. You were not just negligent in your marriage relationship, but the relationship with your kids also. Sorry if that hits below the belt, b/c you've repeatedly said you are a good parent. I have no doubt you are in many ways, but you dropped the ball by not interacting with your kids through the most important days of the week for them (Mon-Fri). But cheer up, b/c this is one area you can change immediately.