19th Thread - Invincable Summer

[AJM]

T, you are correct in that we need to be ourselves in a relationship and together. If something happens (death of a marriage, death of a spouse, etc) then we do have those things that are still us. It also helps during the relationship.

While you process those things, know that you're not alone with that. The things you used to do together will hurt for a while. Some you will drop completely and you will pick up new ones. That is just how it works.

One of my thought processes was that if I liked doing something, I was going to do it regardless. She made her choice to leave and worked hard to make me out to be the bad guy. Common, but the net of it is that those were her choices. My choices are mine, and if I want to do something, I won't let somebody else's choices get in the way with that.

I wish my ex and her H a long life together. I mean that in a good way But I won't stop mine if there is something I want to do. At first it was painful to do some of the things. It has been hard being in the house we lived in for so many years. The memories etc. It's been hard being around the neighbors we used to be so close to. To have them tell me things (unprompted; it's their way of dealing I think) and the way I felt they looked at me.

Now, years later I am happy to say that staying in the house has helped me much more than it hurt. It took time, T. It took effort. But little by little I clawed and scratched to create a life and new memories.

Do I sometimes miss what I had. Not any longer, T. I look back with some fond memories. Some not so fond. But they are memories that are blended with other memories of a new life I built.

You are right that the things you do are some pleasant and some not so much. I know many of us ran from activities we did previous to the great explosions. I found that going back to those to evaluate if I wanted to do them or not was therapeutic. Several I've dropped, but some I've resumed and I'm glad I did.

And I'll tell you something. A lot of conventional wisdom says to run at the first sign of trouble in a relationship. "It's not good for me, so I'll end it and get a new one." That's an attitude I just don't buy. That's a consumerism attitude and one designed to keep you from risking and being hurt. You cannot grow without risk and hurt. Kind of like plants that need grafting and pruning, right? Or weeding.

I applaud your commitment and I know that it will eventually be the thing that really sets you apart and helps you heal completely. Had you walked away a long time ago, you wouldn't have that benefit, T. Also because of not walking away, you're having to deal with the loss now instead of completing that years ago. Had you walked years ago, you would have always wondered and had difficulty finalizing the healing and growth from the experience. You'll be glad you did what you did.

Walk softly, my friend. Enjoy the activities, and keep working on you. It'll go faster than you think as you internalize and accept the feelings. I feel for you, but I know you will do very well in time. Take the time to feel the feelings so you can finalize them. Stop and smell the roses from time to time, so to speak

AJ