Thank you very much for your encouragement. I feel like a much better person already, it will be interesting to see where I am in another year. SO MUCH STRONGER than I was a year ago at BD#1. I wish I'd found this forum back then, and actually believed that it applied to me. Shock lasted much, much too long.
I believe that "How to Improve..." will be useful. But I think I will pick it up with everyone else in my life in mind. If H ends up getting the benefit of it too, then lucky us. I'm sure it will be useful in my parenting, too.
You were right about moving into a new stage of detachment. I think last night's meltdown was about getting there. This morning as I was breathing through the rest of my anger, I tried out ideas like "I hate him," or "He's such a complete jerk" and many others.
None of them really rang true for me. I don't hate him. I'm hurt, but I don't hate him for hurting me. I'm angry and disappointed, but I don't hate him. I do love him and wish the best for him. I happen to think he's choosing a terrible path for getting what he wants, but that's his right and I don't hate him for it. As I have gotten to know his family more deeply over the years of our marriage, I have often wondered how he managed to get through his childhood with such a healthy sense of himself. Now I've been shown that he didn't. I can't hate him for that.
(my mom thinks that I'm excusing him... I don't think it's "excusing" because that implies that I'm submitting to it. I'm not anymore. But I am trying to see clearly because that's to my benefit)
No, I really don't think OW was happy. I do think she's moving towards it now as best she can, and that's part of the reason she ignored him when he tried to get into her pants when he was last in her country this past May. (mind-reading perhaps, but I've done enough investigating to have reason to think this). He texted her a lot before he got there and she ignored them, and when he saw her at an alcohol-based work event he asked her about it and she said "I don't really check texts" -- and he believed her. Please, what 26 yo doesn't live and die by text? I'm 42 and I do. And her JOB is social media. Duh.
Anyway, no, I wouldn't want to do lunch with her or even shake her hand or greet her with a civil tongue, but I recognize that the anger I feel toward her is partly proxy for the anger I feel towards H. And I feel so grateful not to be her -- I so easily could have.
What I *saw* made H care for her was her vulnerability. She characterized herself as verbally abused by a bully of a baby daddy from whom she had separated herself with difficulty. She's a single mom of a cute little girl. As part of his "closure" when he sent the NC letter in July H also sent a message to the baby daddy that he showed me. He wanted my approval. It basically berated the baby daddy for not being a man his daughter could be proud of. The irony of that message escaped my H. I deflected pointing it out to him by saying I didn't want to be put in the position of commenting on a scolding of his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend.
Also, judging by their texts, their sex life was quite... adventurous. I know H has spent time on porn, which he assured me is normal for guys. Since it didn't really impact our sex life I didn't worry about it but considering how things... changed... after he slept with her it's an area that I don't know will ever be recoverable. We weren't each other's firsts, but we did figure out how to make it good together (if you get my drift) and I wasn't prudish about trying new things. This makes me wonder if he just needs life to be bigger than what he's let it be in the last 8-10 years. Or if there's some other problem that I'm not getting at. (I could go on here but I think I'm going to not worry about it till it becomes more relevant)
One last thing and I'll close this chapter. The trip I have been wanting to take... There are many, many reasons, most of them inarguable, why we never took my dream trip (moves, children's ages, financial & time commitments elsewhere...). It's actually one of the ways I feel freer now that I have determined that I *will* take this trip next summer, and I've gotten a commitment from a friend with similar interests that she will go with me. This freedom is one of the things I absolutely will not give up if we manage to reconcile.
As an aside... I've been keeping an eagle eye on finances in the last two months. I'm not so worried about H shafting me, both because of his attitude towards the money, that it belongs to both of us, and because I've given a BOATLOAD of financial evidence to the attorney when I retained her and even if he did try to shaft me now I have strong recourse. So I was checking on it a few minutes ago and noticed some things I had questions about and asked H via text about them. He was reasonably friendly and open about answering them. This is so curious to me. He's still treating it as "our" money, and our financial situation as "our" situation, and apologized for all the spending getting his apartment set up. I realize this means nothing. I just wish I understood where his head is. I'm sure he does, too.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading the novel. I know I'm verbose. I just feel like I have a LOT to process and laying it out here REALLY helps me a lot.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
