Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

Your M isn't a priority, so you didn't bother trying.

I just found the passage in DR that mentions this.

... people don't just fall out of love. If love dwindles, it's because the marriage wasn't a priority. Love is a living thing. If you nurture it, it grows. If you neglect it, it dies.

This also tallies with W's car maintenance analogy.

Geting late now, I'll continue reading tomorrow when I'll be better able to take it all in.

[Wet]

Hi odsnt,

I think you are doing amazing with your circumstances. I wish I had something helpful to say about your trip, but I don't, so I guess I will be quiet (smile).

The one thing that seems really difficult to me is that you are away for 5 days a week. I have not read your whole thread so excuse me if you have answered this, but was your working away like this before the Bomb?

And before the Bomb date, when you were away, how often would you communicate, and what sort of communications did you have with your W? How is it now?

[Old Dog]

Thanks Wet

I've been working away for just over 2 years. She said on B day that she'd been thinking our R is 'transitioning', I don't know why it took so long to come out.

I have been dreadful at communicating. I was a contractor initially, then I was offered several short term rolling contracts as an employee which has eventually turned into full time. It's a good job, it's well paid in relation to similar positions. It's just miles away.

I always took the view though that it is short term and I'd be back soon. I didn't see much point in phoning to say 'got up, went to work, came back to the flat, watched TV'. What a dumbass! I keep asking myself why didn't I phone? It would have be nice to just talk about nothing. Although she'd been thinking about our R, this must have helped tip it over the edge.

Communication (duing the wek) now, is much the same unless there's something to discuss. This is something I'm unsure about. If I start now, that would be construed as chasing and she would see right through that in a second. What to do, what to do?

[Old Dog]

I've also been reading Sandi's posts about being a friend.

W specifically said she wanted to keep me as a friend and I have to be a good father to the boys.

Oh, run out of time, got to go to work now, so more later.

[sandi2]

Hi, saw your message to come by. I read through your thread, and unless I missed something, it appears that you have been very passive in the MR. I am curious, who did the pursuing when you met your W and began dating?

My H and I have been through several "transitions" in our M. Married young, so you have to find a way to grow together or the couple will definitely grow apart. My H has never communicated well with me. I believe for me, it has been the most frustrating issues in my M. Communication is how we connect with people. I kept wanting to "feel" an emotional connection with my mate. I would turn my soul inside out to him, and he would just sit there like a knot on a log. I told him over & over what I needed, but I could never see him put any action/effort into our R.

He also waited on me to "drive" the R. He was perfectly contented to sit on the couch and watch TV every minute he wasn't working or sleeping. I definately did not inticipate this when we were dating. But I look back, and there were a few signs I should have seen. But I made excuses for him. Anyway, enough about my M. I just wanted you to know that I see some similar actions in what you have posted.

As has been stated, you are the ONLY one who can change the way you are. It is not easy to live past 50 and try to make such drastic changes.......but I am crazy enough to believe a person CAN do it if they WANT to badly enough. Just remember, it's your call.

I believe passivity in a H is a very serious problem that breaks down the respect the W had when she M him. Over time, it becomes more obvious that he simply won't step up and take the position of leader for his family. Even though these days more emphasis is placed on the H and W being equal partners in the M, I still believe each one has a role to fill. And men and women are born with certain natural instincts that have not changed. One for the woman is looking to her H as a leader. She wants a man who has an inner strength and confidence who will protect and provide for her and her children. Npt one who treats her like she's beneath him or as if she's incapable of doing as much or as good of a job toward anything he may do. But it is just one of those natural things we women have that go back to the beginning of mankind.

So anyway, even if she takes over......and she certainly will......her respect will be influenced by the passivity of her H. He finds it is so much easier to just go along with whatever she says and avoid any conflict. Therefore, he not only takes the back seat....he goes to sleep and leaves all the driving up to her. Not attractive at all.

So far, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. It is a killer to a MR! It kills her compassion, patience, sympathy, attraction, interest, energy, and respect. It took a long time for the passivity to corrode her love for you......but it finally took its toll. You have a lot of hard work ahead of you.

You need to enter this knowing that you cannot have any expectations of hef working. She's done! Don't even expect her to meet you halfway. Your goal is to improve yourself as a man. Not to impress her. Not even to win her back. If the M is reconciled, that is just a plus bonus. Your objective is to turn yourself around and become a man you NEED to be. I started to say the kind you "want" to be, but when reading your posts, you seem satisfied with the way you have been. But, you have paid a very high price.

I will get back with you in a bit, b/c I know this post is long. But I will go on and tell you this much. The five days you are gone on the job, you need to call your kids! Not calling her was bad enough, but your kids need to hear from their father.....giving them the opportunity to share that day with him. Anyone can be a weekend parent. You were not just negligent in your marriage relationship, but the relationship with your kids also. Sorry if that hits below the belt, b/c you've repeatedly said you are a good parent. I have no doubt you are in many ways, but you dropped the ball by not interacting with your kids through the most important days of the week for them (Mon-Fri). But cheer up, b/c this is one area you can change immediately.

[BigMac]

wow, that post feels like it was written for me. Great stuff.

[Old Dog]

Thanks for dropping by Sandi.

Some food for thought there don't like the taste of it though. I guess I made it too bitter. Yes I have been passive I guess that shows through eh? A bit.

I like the idea of calling the kids during the week. I did think the other day I should fire up Skype or Facetime. I'll definately do that then.

There's more I'd like to ask, but she's around at the moment, so I'll have to do that later.

[Old Dog]

Who did the pursuing when you met your W and began dating?

It will come as no surprise that it wan't me. All my relationships - and there haven't been many - I've fallen into. I was always so scared of rejection I never asked anyone out. I would try and buid myself up to it, but always bail out.

Fear of failure and humiliation is a big thing with me. Until I was perhaps a late teenager, I never used to look anyone in the eye. I had to teach myself to do that.

To this day I tend not to use people's names when speaking to them in case I get it wrong and am embarassed. I can't quite believe I'm writing this, it seems so stupid. I decided to try and 180 this week and have been able to do it a few times.

I guess if I delve right down, it's fear that always prevented me from showing too much emotion and prevented me from loving. Fear of rejection. Oh this is too much for me now, I'm feeling more than a little sad.

[zew]

Don't despair, odsnt.

Don't be afraid to share honestly, and you will get good advice here and you will come out of this better off.

[Old Dog]

I want to change my life now. Maybe I just wasn't ready before. I didn't know the half of it. But I am so fed up with feeling not quite good enough. Well not just 'feeling' as it turns out. I understand this is for me: it is not about saving my M. That would be a bonus. It may be too late to save my M, but I want to give it a go by changing. I love the girl, she's my W, she's the mother to my children.

I mentioned in my thread I went to therapy before and I was unsatisfied in that it was just all talk. Yes I got some insight, but nothing like I've discovered in the past month. It is at the same time painful, depressing and enlightening. Now I have found SBT, I feel there is something I can do about it: there is hope.

Fear means I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.

Being away during the week, it's easy to detach as she isn't there. I still feel desperately sad that this has happened - I let it happen - but I am physically detached by 180 miles and can get can support from my flatmates. Should I be doing this though? If I'm already detached during the week, should I be doing something else? I'll definately start calling the kids though.

When I'm home, I'm trying to keep busy. Household chores like washing, cleaning, ironing, fixing stuff, mowing the lawn etc. Not all the time but not sitting around gawping at a TV or doing nothing.

I'm also trying to think of family things to do at the weekend: somewhere to go, some activity to do. For too long we never went out, never met anyone - we don't really know anyone socially where we live, we moved here a couple of years ago. W admits she's not very good on the social front. Of course she has friends but they're mostly old friends and they're dotted around the country - mine are as well I suppose.

I'm trying to keep a PMA: I think I'm getting better at this. W always said my glass was half empty: I'm trying to fill it up a little. I try and be cheery, but overly so it appears false. I try and engage more with the kids. I can tell S12 misses me: S14 I think is holding back a bit.

I'm not discussing anything about the relationship, the marriage or our future. If it comes up, I'm planning to say I'm just working on myself as best as I can at the moment. I think she wans to know that I'm all right, but doesn't want to open an emotional can of worms. Plenty of worms were spilt in the first two weeks as I did all the usual reactions, so we're avoiding any of that. Just a guess though.

She wants us to remain friends and be a good father, but this relationship is over.

How can I remain friends? You just dumped me and said I'm not good enough. I want to be good enough. The old relationship is over, that's OK with me. I want to build a new relationship. One where I can be an equal partner. One where I can will be able to love and nurture and do those things that Gerald Rogers lists.

I still don't feel like I've asked for what I need. More rambling, but maybe I'm getting closer. I'll stop there before it gets too long now.