1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Wow, only a day and a half since last post. I'm still in the 'each day is a chapter' stage of my post separation roller coaster.

No major updates on my personal journey. I am going to church Saturday for the first time, looking forward to it. And I have been praying in the meantime. When I start thinking about my STBX I try to turn my thoughts to what God thinks of what I'm doing instead of her. I'm successful about 1% of the time. She's running through my mind all day, what can I say.

We are still exchanging about 1 email a day. Now it's all business about the children and the separation. So it started loving the first week, went angry the second, and is now clinical. It's terrifying watching her slip away. And although I made it through the last few days without feeling terrible (I believe a sign from above and for me pursuing HIS will and not mine), it scares me to think she also is going to be moving on.

Then it was strange tonight. I got to stop by what was my home 2 1/2 weeks ago to see the children. Until I have my own place I will be visiting there. There were two things that she did/said that I thought were odd. One- the bathroom upstairs connects with the masterbedroom. She left the door to the bedroom open so when I used the bathroom I could peer in and see how she redid it all. Since most people want their privacy I assume she wanted me to see it. Second, there was a screensaver on her computer that was rolling a bunch of recently taken pictures in the back ground. Some were the kids, some were my family. She said something about how she had to 'shut that off, there's a picture of someone, someone, and "ex-boyfriend". Maybe I misheard her, but I think she was dropping a hint that she had hung out with her ex recently and wanted me to know.

But I tuned that out because I was there for my children. My first 180 is serving the needs of others. Their needs come first. And I did a great job as a dad and had a WONDERFUL time with the children.

Still, driving away is heartbreaking. I have regressed tonight. For two days I was in a near acceptance state of serving the lord and trusting his will. Now I'm feeling every step she takes away from me as another small death in my heart. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. Yet time rolls on and it is.

We were together close to 11 years so I understand it will be a long journey. I just wish I knew how it would end. I feel like it's the difference between losing a loved one in a car crash, and having them become a missing person. After a few weeks the search parties stop looking, but you still hold on to hope, but it diminishes, until finally you have a ceremony and move on.

I guess the good news is that she's remained in contact daily. Whatever she thinks she feels she is still staying somewhat connected. I know 'going dark' is popular but my DB Coach is telling me to just mirror her tone and frequency for now.

Now I'm ready to do some things I want to do tomorrow (GAL) and look up for the strength to detach. I can't let go of the rope just yet but maybe I won't be white knuckling anymore.

Thank you all, goodnight!