Yeah, the truth is, by my age, we ALL have baggage. It's about finding someone who is working on themselves and who has baggage you can handle.
My current boyfriend has more baggage than ANYONE I've ever dated. BUT - he has a remarkable ability to own responsibility for his own actions, he never blames or plays the victim, and he works hard to be a better person every day. He communicates honestly and is supportive, kind and loving.
So Matt, does that mean that if 25% of the pop is seeking help and 17% are considered in optimal mental health (whatever THAT is?) then 58% of the people out there are nuts?
Kind of the point, guys. Everyone has something they are working on. The question is if you are ready to find a partner that will compliment your "areas of improvement" and vice-versa. A partner that is willing to work through whatever issues arise without deciding they "are unhappy and deserve better" etc.
Not being paired with an abusive person, but somebody who can work through the issues with you. A person you like to be around. A person you...can relate to and like to be with.
Matt, you thought you found that person before. Most of us here did. I think the MLC'r thought so too.
Evidence suggests otherwise.
When that happens, we end up going into an analysis mode that rivals the search for the cure for cancer. At least in intensity.
One of the questions we have to ask, is if they are right about what they say about us. To some degree, there may be some truth in some of it. We look, we sift, and we eventually figure out what is real and what is rhetoric (common rhetoric at that).
And as we move into other relationships we find out what we have and have not really figured out to date. Like recovering from a broken arm, we heal but if we try too soon we re-injure. We also need time to re-establish trust in that broken bone and that it won't fail us if we use it.
And after a while, we forget about it. Except once in a while where we think back on that and think, "I really don't want to do that again" But we do anyway. 'Cuase we're human
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
yep !! lol that is me.. I' m not ready for a new relationship yet I am open to it.. lol Everybody tells me when I meet the right person, I won' t have to think it through..i ll make it work. The truck driver from last year would have been welcomed if he wouldn' t have a secret wife !! ( jerk..lol ) This guy is also very good to me and my kids but he is 16 yrs older than me and is very clingy.. a little too clingy. I see many signs of possessiveness. My friend said he should just pee on my leg to mark his territory. lol
Wow, this is really helping me out alot. Everyone does have some sort of baggage, I think it's just great if you have someone that can help you unpack!
My boyfriend admits he has baggage and he admits he has anger problems. His childhood was really rotten. He was a juvenile delinquent and had two children by the time he was 18, and he now is a grandpa. He hasn't lied to me about anything. He is one of the most loving and supportive people I know! He will admit when he is wrong..... about half the time. And that's the issue Im having now.
I don't know how to handle his anger issues. He gets set off over the craziest crap and he is moody. And he used to own up to it, he now doesn't do it as often. I've called him on it time and time again, and when I do, he just projects till he's blue in the face!! He's most definitely got some issues. He's also got a beautiful side to him, this side I love and want to be with all the time. Then there's his angry side that I have zero tolerance for.
So my question is, how do you handle someone with anger issues?
Hi, I am probably the last person on these boards to be offering you any advice, but i really like you, so will jump in.
I haven't had any relationships at all - by choice, but also by terror, if you see what I mean. However, they say the onlooker sees the game, so here goes.
Yes, none of us is perfect, yes we all have issues as we move through life, and yes, after what happened to us, we are all incredibly cautious if not downright suspicious of 'in love'
But I do think that to have a successful relationship there has to be respect, as well as tons of love and fun.
Now if someone has anger issues they are not a lot of fun to be around, as a lot of time an energy is usually spent worrying about their anger or defusing it.
You say you do not not how to handle these issues, and I say it isn't for us to have to do this. These are his issues not yours. It also worries me a lot that he isn't getting better but getting worse.
What do you want K? Is it worth it. Do you respect him (not what he has done in turning his life around, although that is impressive.) In your shoes I would run a mile, but I am not brave, and I do not know him, so it is easy for me to say.
How much do you mind being alone? What is the glue that is holding you to this man? How is loving and supportive compatible with anger?
How's it going? You know for the longest time I didn't have the desire to even entertain thoughts of a new relationship. Though I was still healing, (still am) I just like the idea of feeling free.
Then I finally got the desire to meet someone new. I wasn't impressed at all, and was going to cancel my membership because it seems all anyone wanted was a hook up!
Then I don't know what it was about this man, but when he sent me a message, when I saw him, it's like I already knew him from somewhere! It drove me nutts and it took me 3 days to decide if I was going to answer his email or not, because it freaked me out the intensity I felt towards this guys and I didn't even know him!
WE started emailing, then texting, then met in person, and WOW... I HAVE NEVER CLICKED WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS BEFORE! Yes I was infatuated we both were!
Since then we've formed the best friendship. We're a support to eachother in so many ways, and we have so much in common in just how life has "happened" to us, we just seem to click.
He is also on kidney dialysis and has been for many years. Though his life is about staying alive through dialysis, and he's had alot of issues, I don't feel sorry for him. It's just a part of him and his life I immediately understood and accepted.
I don't mind being alone, because this is a long distance relationship. We don't see each other often but keep in contact all the time. I think the glue that's holding me to him is a sense of loyalty and love because he is my best friend. And I guess after having a marriage where I never really had a safe place to fall or have any emotional intimacy, I have all that and then some with this man. I enjoy our friendship so much.
Yet I think the distance is working to my advantage too. The distance is a plus because Im a person that needs my independence. I love that Im Queen of my own Castle now that EX is no longer here bring a dark cloud over things. The long distance allows me to still have my space to grow and work on myself. And in turn was making his anger issues easier to deal with. Now they're just plain annoying me.
He is an adult and he's having adult tantrums. Yes they are his issues and not mine, and yes Im disappointed that after all is said and done Im not seeing him really working on this problem. I think he's quite attatched to his anger really.
All in all, I know what I want, but I don't think Im ever going to get it with him.
Funny thing though. I went through a relationship kind of like that. I think I wanted to have a long distance relationship because it was "safer" of sorts. I could have the relationship but not let her get too close, if you know what I mean.
She is a wonderful woman. We clicked. She tried just a little too hard I think, and it worried me. I wasn't done with my own "stuff" at that point (are we ever?) but I knew I didn't want to stay with her forever. It was hard to break that off and I still sometimes think about her. She had her own baggage as did I, but that wasn't a major problem. We still loosely keep in touch, and that's ok too.
A friend of mine dated a guy that she really liked. She gets hit on all the time, but wasn't in that frame of mind after her marriage ended (similar experience). She just wasn't paying attention until this guy came along. He had/has all kinds of issues. As a friend, I told her that and warned her. She went into it eyes open, but it hurt in the end. She's just now starting to get over it. But one of the things that was of note was that she told me he helped her see her own issues during the relationship as well. They worked well that way. His issues eventually overcame the relationship and they no longer speak, but it was a profound relationship for the two of them. They don't speak only because it causes them both pain to see what they lost.
As the 'onlooker that sees the game' it seemed to me that this was a first very intense relationship for them both in many years. I think she was destined to have a relationship like that to help her get over her ex. In that sense, it was helpful.
I've seen many that do similar. They get into a relationship after a long marriage and later realize, it was helpful but not permanent.
Kimmerz, don't be afraid to realize that something doesn't work for you. You aren't going to find 'perfect' but rather 'perfect for you'. That is highly unlikely the first time out, my friend. Good for you for being able to get out there again. Good for you for being able to question and hear feedback even if you don't always like it But realize you don't have to be afraid. But if you are, it's a good idea to understand what you are afraid of.
Dating helps you to build a foundation of knowledge of things about others and about yourself. You get to figure out what you like or don't like. What you will accept or will not. i.e. what your boundaries are and what you want out of life and a partner. After being married for a long time, it's natural to want to compare your new relationships to what you knew. As you date more, you'll have more to compare things to which in turn will help you figure out yourself and the boundaries you have.
I don't think its hard to find a partner. It's harder to find a partner with similar views and experiences in life. You're a woman, so you won't find a man with the 'same' experiences. But you will find one with complimentary experiences. Some of them will be similar and others very different.
Humans are humans. We have similarities and differences. It is what it is, right?
Don't be afraid to be authentically you, Kimmerz. That's a waste of time and you can't get time back.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
You know all along I've known that this man was brought into my life, and I to his life, to help us through our own issues! Hearing what's happened with your friends really makes me feel better and see what a true learning lesson, and actual gift this relationship is for both he and I! Even if we're finding some big issues that are probably not going to be resolved and will end the relationship, in the long run this is all good!
We even talk about that from time to time, how we both help each other see things in each other that we need to work on. I think what I find so eerie.... is this. I almost feel as if this relationship was destined to happen, so I can go back and work through issues that never got resolved between EX and myself.
Many issues that have come up between us have been issues that were between my Ex and myself. The thing that Im so grateful about is that alot of them are getting RESOLVED in a normal way, through communication and listening! That never happened with Ex and in the marriage for so many things I can't count! And through this new relationship, Im learning that what didn't get resolved in my marriage, WAS NOT MY FAULT! I still carry alot of blame in my heart for things but slowly I learn it was not my fault! I can't tell you how good it feels to actually have someone listen to you and work through something with assertiveness, not passive aggression!! I guess because of that, in a way I've become appreciative for his over the top truth and verbal outbursts because there's not hiding anything there! But the problem is... it's too over the top! My boyfriend is aggressive in his release of anger... verbally that is.
I too knew this man had issues going into this relationship... he didnt' lie! I've gone into this with my eyes open, and have made the choice to keep moving forward with him.
Right now I feel he and I are both at a crossroads as to keep going on, or part our separate ways. I also know I have my own anger issues to work on ( thanks to him pointing that out to me) and Im reading a book on that now.
However... it seems like as far as his anger issues are concerned, he's stuck and he needs help managing that.
Another reason Im having a hard time with the idea of letting this relationship go... this man is perfect for me in so many ways! We;ve even discussed marriage a little bit! But the issues that are so wrong, are enough to make it a deal breaker if he can't get manage his adult tantrums better. It's just that simple!
