afraid I have waited too long #3

[labug]

nit, you do a lot of mindreading and that drives your reactions.

"I remained calm but probably should have walked away."
Yes, about 15 minutes earlier.

You may never know hat she's so angry and I don't see why it matters at this point. Do you?

Her anger is hers to deal with.

[nit84]

Yes labug your are correct I do mindread.
that is a major downfall in my efforts.

I thought I was doing a decent job at DBing before this hearing.

When we came home after the hearing she changed the lock on her door to keep me out. I explained that Im not sure she can keep me from any room in my house but would check with my L.

She said she was going to file charges of harassment on me for telling her what she could and could not do. I was already emotional about the hearing not angry but sad that it had to come to this.
When she said this I countered with I need to file a report because I am in fear because you were confronted by OM significant other. She said that never happened so I don't need to do it. I said I still want to just in case and it went on from there.

I know she has to deal with her choices and her anger by herself alone but I felt like W thought she was getting away with something. So I backslid into a discussion that I knew wasn't helpful. I really no longer feel the need to speak of OM again since it is out there now. The bad part is that it is not only me who suspects things but others who have seen things and felt they had to tell me. I have only discussed this with my IMC and my L and my W to some extent now. I know now that by having that discussion I have allowed my W to place the blame on me for everybody knowing instead of on herself.

I had a good session with my DB coach tonight so I am feeling a little better.

[nit84]

I am feeling a bit frustrated tonight.

Our hearing is done my W knows what she is getting.

She told me a couple of weeks ago when I asked her what she wanted and maybe we stay out of court. She didn't answer me but said it is just a calculation which I knew and understood about what I probably was going to have to pay.

If I had an Idea wouldn't my W also have that same idea either by herself or with help from L?

She said this money was to help her get on her feet and be able to move out. Being that she probably made her mind up to move out a couple months ago wouldn't she have started looking for a place of her own or moving in with a relative or possibly even the OM? Why then is she not gone or at least packing things up?

TBH, I don't want her to go but if she does leave I won't stop her. I mean now that she says I'm dead to her and hasn't whispered even a peep since the discussion right after the hearing it is probably best she leaves for the both of us.

Since I backslid on Monday I haven't done anything except ask one or two business like questions about our stuff, I told her about a neighbor who might be losing her Mom soon to old age and just mentioned I might be getting a puppy so if she could let me know when she is leaving so I don't disrupt that by having a puppy getting in the way. All actions on my part were met with silence and attitude.

Can I validate by way of a one-sided monologue?

For instance, empathizing with her about how this must be really tough on her dealing with the anger that has come about due to my being advised to snoop?

Also, the fact that I have L which she said I surprised her and her L with?

These are new things that are just compounding the issues that already got us to this point.

Or do I just continue to practice patience and let the hard feelings subside if they ever do?

[nit84]

With this turn of events in my Sitch, should I continue to say Hi or have nice day if I see W in the morning?

I don't think she will say anything back but I am not saying those things to get a reply just doing it to try and remain kind and civil.

I know she has to deal with this on her own but when she is home she is constantly holed up in our bedroom. She will come out to go to the bathroom and to make something to eat and that's it.

If this how she wants it why doesn't she just leave? Just go somewhere, anywhere other then here?

I told her 2 weeks ago that if I made her so miserable then just go. She said I am not leaving my stuff here. I said take it all. She said but you haven't told me what I can take. Again, I said take it all if you take something I wanted I will ask you for it. If you give it to me fine if not then it is my fault. I am trying to alleviate any stress in your life and that way you can move out and your life wont be so horrible anymore.

I said this pretty calmly because I meant it. I had resigned myself to fact that W was moving so there was not much emotion involved.

W is still here though, I asked her once if she knew when she would be leaving. I got no response.

Do I ask again in a couple days or a week or just leave it go since I already asked?

When I moved back in Dec W said I was forcing her out I told her I wasn't and she ended up staying this long.

Last thing I want to do is to be accused of forcing her out because I am not, I just need this to happen because one of two things will happen. She will go and everything will work the she planned it to or it wont work out and reality will sink in.

Actually both events scare me, The first one for obvious reasons and the second one because W might need to come back home and I wouldn't know if it were because it was difficult and our house is a safe haven or she was coming back to maybe test the waters.

[pilot]

First, do not keep asking her if/when she is leaving. If she is going to leave, she will. If not, she will stay. No point in putting pressure on her, or bringing the subject up. Also, I would quit saying hi to her in the morning etc. I know you want to be be civil, but she wants nothing to do with you....civil or not. So you need to withdraw from her completely. Detach from her to the point where she does not know you are a constant Plan B. Doing so will help eliminate your fear of her coming back for the wrong reason. You are a Plan A kinda guy, and it takes work and effort on her part to be with you. Remember that.

[nit84]

Thanks pilot, I will try not saying hi and have a good day. It will be easy because she doesn't talk to me so I really don't have to worry about.

Just thought by not saying small things like hi was then putting me down to W level.

[nit84]

Interesting my W actually spoke to me this evening.

She asked if I could provide her with copies of bills from June and July so she could pay her %. I said sure I think the L has them but I will look into it.

She then said she would like the paperwork back that I took from our bedroom. I said I didn't take any paperwork. She said she was missing receipts, I said receipts are no use to me.

It then went on to a discussion about the cell phone. We kinda have an understanding except that I own the phones and she turned them in to the new carrier to upgrade. I said that could be a problem and I knew this was going to be bad. I said fine I will talk with L and see what this all means.

Then she commented that I was trying to mentally screw with her I said nope just trying to wade through this muck.

She then said, I will not let you control me, I said that great because I know how difficult of time you had with this issue earlier in our M.

She continued with when are you getting your puppy? I said well that depends on the answer to the question I asked you the other evening. When will you be moving out, so I don't make it tough trying to work around a puppy so it is best I wait till you move. She said what if Im not moving maybe I want a puppy I said that is your right if you want one but I don't understand I thought you were moving after the hearing.

She said why don't you move? I said because I like here. I was under the impression you hated living here and needed to leave.

She I worked damn hard for this house. I said you sure did. I said I thought you have your plans together and the hearing was the final piece to the puzzle.

She said what do think I am going to do I said that is not up to me to guess but I hope it is what you want for yourself. She said don't you have an opinion you always seem to know things.

I said well yes but those are mine and I shouldn't share them because you are already upset.

She said go ahead. I paused and said well it has come back to me that you want to M the OM, is this true? she said she wasn't going to remarry for a long time and it wasn't going to be OM. I said you want to go to school. She said I told you that. I said yes you did and I believed you and some others have also told me the same.

I said do you want a baby with OM. She said no, this S has taught me I don't want kids. And not with OM. I said Im sorry to hear that because that was always your dream.

She said that is a problem I have with you you are so mentally screwed up that you actually thought we were trying have children when EVERYBODY knows you said you never wanted kids with me.

I said that is your perception, I did think we were trying but I needed to be more clear that I believed that and that I indeed wanted kids and I should have opened my heart at that time and shared it with you.

The conversation went on to go back and forth about who told me things about OM and Who was saying things to W about me. Very unproductive. No yelling from me but still no excuse.

THen it got kind of ugly she said who is telling you things and putting my life in danger. I asked why she thought that and she said because you are crazy and everybody thinks that. I countered with well some people think you may be Bi-Polar. I told I them I thought were just fine, just going on your own journey. She got really upset and said who is saying these things?

She then brought up The Church attendance and said that's great you are going but you never would do that for me. I said of course I would if you wanted to go. She then yelled its great you are getting right it is about F-ing time. I said thank you.


She continued to say people asked her if I said please stay, I love you, don't go. But I didn't. She said the first time I said I Love You was just last Monday after the hearing. But first you said I was sleeping with OM and it didn't matter because I still Love You. I countered with Yes I said that and meant that nothing could ever happen with us as long as OM is in picture.


I know I screwed up again by choosing to exchange feelings and thoughts with W in the wrong way.

I never bring these conversations up she does and I guess subconsciously I want to talk to her and more importantly listen to her.

My problem is not the listening part now, it is the trying to understand why she says some things which I know is futile.


frustrated with myself at the moment!!

[nit84]

Still thinking about yesterday's conversation with my W.

I am trying real hard not to mind read and taking what W says to me with the knowledge of a WAW behavior.

I am listening to her and validating when I don't backslide. She is the one that is always yelling and I try to listen.

My problem is through all the yelling and frustration my W is projecting, I feel she is trying to tell me something but I am too afraid to ask questions because she is still saying " I done" I don't love you" etc...When I have asked her to communicate her feelings to me. I get the standard line "I tried and I have told you a million times." next breath she says "I thought you weren't listening to me but you were because all these changes and things you are doing is what I wanted." Yet you haven't changed.

Even if I weren't hesitant to ask some questions, I think it might just be the same old answers so probably isn't worth it.

So I sit and wonder if I am missing something that might be important in our exchanges and if I knew then I could take the correct path.

I guess it is as easy as She is "done" and that is what I have to realize.

[Fartiltre]

Nit,

You decide when YOU are done - not when she is.
Until you decide that keep the hope and keep on working you!

I am not up to date on your thread but if you are not familiar with T1000 then look up his threads and read the post from last summer.
His WAW was also yelling. As far as I know they ended up D but he got a lot of advice and views from Sandi and other VETs.

It might help you - it might not, but take the time.

All the best
F

P.S. As far as I read your post you still stir up some feelings in your W.

[nit84]

Thanks F, Maybe there are feelings there just not sure deep W has hidden them.