GG- thank you for your reply, I have wrestled with the concept of an oa for a long time, and after last night, and lack of sleep, i'm back to the same point I was before, that no, an ow is not a deal breaker for me, I believe( and I am making an assumption based on what I know of my h) that he thinks it is, and going on my past responses, I can understand that. I think h 'turned his feelings off' after the first a and I found out, he was truly devastated that he had hurt me, and I don't think hes ever forgiven himself, and I didn't either. my biggest fears right now? that my family will not be intact, that I wont be able to support my boys the way they deserve, that the best man that I have ever known will not be my h anymore fear and anxiety are massive factors, that's very true and I'm glad that I'm not the only one here to experience them ,knowing I'm not alone in all of this is truly beautiful and I am thankful to each one of you is taking the time to listen and support. 25 mlc, thank you for all of your words, support and advice, I don't the quote thing works, so i'll just wing it, firstly I will look up those ted videos, I think they are exactly what I need right now, the negative voices need to be quelled. I need to stop doubting myself, I know I am worthy of 'great love' and I know that I am the very best mum I can be at this moment. I am going to sit down tonight and write my next chapter, this one wasn't written by me, and that doesn't sit well with me. I don't think h meant to protect me from the truth, I think he means to look after me, to make sure that I don't get hurt, mmm maybe part of that IS protecting from the truth. I do want to be that person who is strong, and I also want to be held sometimes and told everything will be ok. I have written on paper the quote "consistant changes+suffcient time= changes he can believe in" I think is spot on, I need to show him that the changes I am making, and I have been, are permanent for me. I am not a religious person per se, however, I have been looking at my own spiritualty a lot more lately, and I think that soon, I don't know that I can right now, I will turn this over to the universe. there is a sense, somewhere inside me, that this will all work out, I don't know how long it will take, but I am in for the long haul, I'm finding the journey there really tough. the one thing that I have learned in all of this is that I am tenacious, that I am stronger than what I think I am, and I'm not a quitter, so I need to stop quitting on myself. i'm still unsure of my 180's, am I doing a reverse of everything I've done in the past? do I write them down, the books probably explain it, but they still haven't arrived. I'm slowly GAL, I start a class next week, I'm headed back to the gym next week also, I'm going to the movies with a new friend on sat night. thank you all again for being a large part of my support network xoxo
