Yes - boundaries with H are bizarre for me. We've never had them before. In talking with one of my oldest friends (who has known me since childhood and is now a therapist) this is a little weird. I have GREAT boundaries normally. I was the girl who never let a guy get to second base. I was the one who didn't smoke or break rules. (Until I did...but it was MY choice to do so...) I didn't cave to peer pressure.
So, what is up with this?
I was reading the blog today of a woman who blogs a lot about MLC...and I think I came to the realization that the reason there's no tried and true road map for this is that every situation is different. We can read these boards and find the script....We can look for the situation that seems most like ours and try to create our best fix-it plan. But ultimately the bottom line is we have to let it go...and we have to get a life of our own...and we have to be there for ourselves. The fix-it directions are that we can't fix it. Our spouse has to heal him or herself. And we can't make it go faster and we can't force it...
The universe is unfolding as it should.
Boundaries with H....I'm creating them. They look different from those of a lot of other people. I TOTALLY understand why people throw their spouse out of the house, or the bedroom, or what have you...That said - I also understand why some people decide to just step aside and try to create as normal a life as possible for the rest of the household (if that is possible!). That's what I'm doing. My H is crazy, and I can see it. I feel badly for him sometimes. I suspect that his work can see it (my suspicions for that grow every day as I interact with people on the periphery of his business). But so far - the kids seem pretty clueless. And if they can remain feeling safe, then I've done my job. Once they feel unsafe - I will re-evaluate (and talk to their schools to start establishing THEIR safety nets).
Am I safe with H? I am becoming safe because I am making MYSELF safe. When I was so terribly, terribly emotionally injured by this, I wasn't safe. For a while I was actually pretty unsafe, actually. But - I talked to my doctor. Then I sought a therapist. And I have a very small group of friends in the know. And I realized that I have a pretty amazing safety net out there - even if people don't know my situation...I can see the invisible threads of that spider web reaching out, and between my friends and my faith, I know that I have support. It's there. I know it now. I'm not actually alone.
So - boundaries. As time goes on, my boundaries may change. I think this is definitely a work in progress. Today seemed like a big change for me. But for today, I feel okay with where I am with the kids. And that's good. And I'm sure I'll re-evaluate as time goes forward and as the situation unfolds.
This is a good place (meaning this site!). I've learned a lot here and I think there's a lot of amazing support here for people who are all on different journeys, but all have similar goals. I'm so thankful for the frankness and candor of folks. I think the DR book is outstanding. I look forward to referring to it over and over again...seriously!
So - onto thinking of some good personal goals for myself now that I feel suddenly free of the burden of trying to change what I cannot change!
