First post, confused

[asat82]

I have been reading these posts since January and am finally deciding to begin posting about my problem. I have just finished reading DB and DR and am trying to work on myself, but this is very hard. This may sound like rambling, but I will attempt to put everything as coherently as I can.

Some background on my situation. I love my wife very much and want more than anything to make things work and am willing to do anything possible to save my marriage. Around 2.5 years ago we were in a situation where I was very stressed out with my job, and my wife was very stressed with school, and I feel this was the start of our issues. My wife was trying at this point to get through to me that we were having issues, but I was unable to listen at that time and was consumed by job and financial stress. My wife was also going through stress, and had recently had weight loss surgery so was getting more comfortable with her body and enjoying attention. We bought a house in 2012 and her sister lived with us at the time, and she drew very close to her and I began to feel like I was on the outside, but my other stresses were consuming me so much that i still did not realize it.

My wife decided to move out for the first time in April of 2013, and this was when I first realized that there was an issue. She moved back in within a couple of weeks due to bedbugs in her new place, and said that maybe this was a sign, but at this time she had built a wall up against me and my attempts to reconnect emotionally seemed futile. I tried everything I could think of to win her back, but I just let everything she did affect me too much. She would often go out and stay out until the bars closed, and speak with guys, and then call me to come pick her up, which made me upset to see her so drunk and out alone at the end of the night. It made me terrified. Everything became much more serious when a female coworker of hers moved in in September of that year. I was looking for a place at the time, but was hanging on, and not wanting to hurt her feelings, I could not decide that I wanted to keep the house.

She decided that we should see other people, which really bothered me. I told her that, but decided that if she felt this would help our relationship that it would be ok. We decided dates would be ok but we would not be looking for relationships. I was still trying to do so many things to fix our relationship, mostly the wrong things. I would buy gifts and try to entice her with dinner and doing as many things around the house as I could. She still confided in other people instead of talking to me, which is what I wanted. In November, we had a wonderful fun evening with friends and she gave me a real kiss for the first time in a long time and said she wanted to work on things. After a few days and conversing with her friends and sister, she decided that she didnt want to try to fix things. In December she went to a coupe of parties and met a guy, through a friend who was trying to hook them up... The friend was not amutual friend of ours, and I can not believe someone would try to hook up a married person with someone. It turns out that she stayed at this guys place the first night they met, and a few other times until the PA happened within a couple of weeks. I was devastated by her not coming home and felt what was happening. We didnt talk hardly at all over the holidays, but she told me about everything in January. I also moved out of the house just before Christmas, which I should not have done, but was being forced out, because I was afraid for her to move out, I didnt know where she would go.

In January I found this site, and began to read and read and reaad, while we were separated. I attempted small changes, and began to get a bit of results, but couldn't follow through with everything. Things would get good, then bad, then better, then bad again. But there was still an emotional wall that I could not seem to get through. I ordered the books in March or April and began reading and working. On a couple of occasions since then she has said that she was sorry about everything, and knows we should work on things, but she still has a wall up if I try to be romantic. I feel like things go great when we spend more time together, but after talks with either her sister or her work friends, she withdraws from me again.

We had agreed to do a retrouvaille in mid June, but it fell through due to work schedules and financial things, after which I told her that I would pay for everything, and I really would love it if we could do this. After that, I really hit the books and read both of them within a couple of weeks. I decided to do a 180 and take care of myself and tell everyone at the house that I was moving back in in 90 days. My wife was mad at first, but then said she was glad that I did that, and then told me she missed me and was waiting on me to do that, and asked if I would schedule a counseling session. I get free counseling through work, so I scheduled this. Over the past few months I have off and on spent the night with her at the house 2-3 nights a week at her request, but things go up and down. Up until the day of the counseling I felt like we ere going to try to piece things together through counseling, but when we got there, she had hardened again. I do not know where this came from, but she is still agreeing to continue the counseling, but every attempt I make at trying to be a good and loving husband is shot down. I am so confused on what to do, and when she is feeling worse about things and I try to be a good husband, she says that we arent doing that stuff right now as we are separated.

I have been GAL since February and feel a lot better about many aspects of life, and my job is not as stressful, and she is proud of all this, but she still says that she wishes I would have done this earlier, and she doesn't like being in limbo, and we aren't even together right now. Sometimes when I suggest we just try to work on things, she is very receptive, and other times she completely shuts it down.

This is my life, trying to fix myself and heading that way, but when things are positive between us, I always am happy to get pulled back in, just to be hurt again in a week or so. I feel like I have been doing this for a long time, and never want to give up, but I really just want us to try to do things together, because I know that we are happy and things look brighter when we are, but when she spends more and more time with other people without me, she withdraws from me, until she misses me, then invites me back..

I am attempting my DB and DR techniques, but it's hard to not try my hardest when she opens up to me. I realize this is long and rambling, but I am so lost and confused on what to do, I just wanted to go through everything on the forums while my emotions are flowing.

More to come in the future