"Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick"

[GoatGal]

Ah, MrBond, if I only could!

I have evening chores to do, will take until after he's gone.

But I will put on some lively music and have a doggy sing-a-long.

All that happy crap drives him up the wall.

Tomorrow I'm going to a fancy resort hotel with friends for cocktails and dancing to live music on the terrace, fine dining, and of course, Fourth of July fireworks.

He'll see plenty of GALing that evening!

---GG

[GoatGal]

Just as well I couldn't go out, I had to go down and get the skinny on the malfunction.

As predicted, H blames me!:
"Yes, it WAS the air conditioning unit, but that only happened because YOU didn't empty the humidifier often enough.'

ME: "You're telling me this whole mess is my fault?" (Sorry, couldn't help myself)

HIM: "Well, you haven't been able to empty the bucket (he knows I can't do it easily) and this is what happens."

ME: "Even if I were able to do it with ease, I don't plan to get up at 3 AM to empty it on a humid night.."

What kind of AC system goes bonkers when a dinky humidifier shuts off for a few hours???


ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

The FACT is, he should have plumbed it into the line as he said he would.
Even if HE was living here alone, he'd be hard pressed to empty that bucket five times a day!

Now---supposedly, it's fixed.

And I validated my socks off: "Great job, so glad you were able to fix it. What a relief."
Blah, blah, blah, blah..

At least he was smiling and chatting away when I was telling him how great he was.

GAG ME!

We shall see if it remains "fixed" or I "do something else" to mess it up.
But THAT's why it smelled like sewer gas. It was sewer gas and we all could have died but for the fact that I bothered to address it.

I wonder how he would have felt then? Probably relieved...
He could play the bereaved husband at my funeral!


But what did I tell ya?
It's everyone's fault but HIS. No wonder he's so angry.
Life is so unfair to him, and we're all not "making him happy."

Gee whiz, does detachment go hand in hand with disgust?
For now, it appears so. I am so over this nonsense.

CUE HAPPY MUSIC FOR YAPPING MUTTS!!!

---GG

[Eatsma]

Detachment goes with disgust? It feels like that sometimes!

Nice work on the validation. You look awesome on the red carpet, GoatGal!

[claire7]

Hey Goat Gal. Glad to hear everything is ok and there were no sewer gas explosions!

I hear you about the difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. I think for some people (men, especially? don't want to stereotype, though), it's really really hard to admit fault. Like, it somehow equates with being a bad person or a total failure. So, they end up getting defensive, or projecting, or trying to shift the blame everywhere else.

I would have been a much happier W if my H had just once in a while been able to look at me, and offer a sincere, "You know, hon, I really screwed up. I'm so sorry." Instead, he usually muttered, "Fine."

Why is it so hard for them to say I'm sorry?!?

[GoatGal]

Claire, I hear you.

Same thing here. I'm always impressed when H is able to say he made a mistake.

It's something he needs to learn, and that I VALUE that in a man.
That shows he's stronger than the guy who tries to blame everyone else.

It's so clear to us, I wish it were as clear to them!

One of the coolest things that happened to me recently was after a casual conversation at a party where I woman I know casually said something to the effect that she'd "Been an OW, and she wished he would have spent more money on HER!"

Well, the next day she wrote to me and said she was a total a88 and the more she thought about it, she couldn't believe she'd said something like that in front of me, knowing a bit about my situation as she does.


I wrote back that I really admired her apologizing, that it didn't hurt my feelings (because it's not everyone's job to protect my emotions), and that I was impressed that she thought about what she'd said and how it might have hurt me, and that it takes a heck of a human to admit that she could have handled it better, and go out of her way to apologize.


And I do admire her for that!

Interestingly, it opened up a whole convo about being a wife, being an OW, and she resolved, at the end--never again!

Let's hope that's true.

---GG

[GoatGal]

And now---he's all happy, like he just established World Peace!

Isn't there a great Zombie movie on? I think I'd like to see some brain-eating....

PS: HIs big 4th of July plans? Having a beer with his "roomie" like every other night, plus a co-worker and her BF. Yippee! Hold me back from that!

Even he sounded bored when he described it, like he couldn't get out of being there.

Hey, at least he didn't try and convince me it was champagne and strippers.

Boy, does he blow hot and cold...
---GG

[MrBond]

When he blows up at you. Before he gets started. Hold your hand up, look him dead in the eye and tell him that he will NOT speak to you like that ever again. That if he's frustrated or whatever, then he can deal with it himself and that you WILL NOT be blamed for things that are his responsibility. Then walk away with a confident gait. This is something you must do to stop his nonsense.

[GoatGal]

MrBond,

You are so right.

The "old" me would have done that in a heartbeat. In fact, I would have told him exactly what I thought about it.

This "new" me is so busy trying to keep the peace and do my 180s to prevent me from reacting in my fallback manner. I would have never allowed him to speak to me that way.
(Although in his affair he spoke to me horribly, and all the "I WILL not be spoken to in this way any longer" statements had no impact. I had no way to enforce it. He just kept doing it, until eventually I left for a while, which is exactly what he wanted!)

I'm also continually on edge because he threatens me, tacitly, with financial and other things.
This is new dynamic in our R and it's taking a bit of getting used to.

It feels like suddenly he has all the power, and frankly, prior to this whole disaster I felt as though I was the "dominant" one.

Let me be clear--it was NOT by choice. I would have preferred a stronger, more assertive partner. That's just not what I got and it became worse over the years. So many times I had to take the lead because if I didn't things would just fall apart.

So I've been trying to back down, let him solve things, not engage, not get into an argument, "speak softly and carry a big stick", hahaha. I have tried to see things more from his perspective.
(Yes, I could have emptied the bucket more. If I didn't have a back/hip injury which has explicit directions from my doc NOT to do exactly that type of thing. Which he knows.)

Please know I am not trying to explain away my actions, just giving some background here.

But having you say that means I see it clearly now, I have gone a bit too far in the opposite direction! I need to stand up to him more and be prepared to take whatever consequences he dishes out.

I guess I'm trying to get my guts up for how he can really stick it to me if he wants to. I need to be prepared.

So---What I need in some instances is more of a 145 degree turn?

I have to figure out where I can pick my battles and state my boundaries calmly and without anger, without engaging him.

Thanks for your help, MrBond.

I'll plan my next script and stance with care!

---GG

[GoatGal]

I have a lot to do today so I need to get off this DBing hamster wheel until tomorrow!

H is coming over to stay tonight to "dog-sit", so one 180 is to make sure the house is clean and inviting.

Everything is *supposed* to look like I'm doing it for myself, just being peachy in his absence. I've also changed some things, hung pictures, claimed it as "MY" space.

GAL: I am going off to an event tonight, dressed to the nines, at a fancy hotel for food, live jazz, dancing, and fireworks on the veranda.
I am meeting a group of friends, but there will certainly be men there of my age who are not part of my group.

I will work on my low-level flirtations... I am NOT GOOD AT FLIRTING! I need practice so I'm going to practice tonight.

Flirting is a 180 for me too.
I'm not looking for ANY R right now, even with H, but I need to learn to work my feminine wiles a little more and not just rely on this killer body, massive intellect, offbeat style, and quirky sense of humor. (Hahahaha.)

H will see me leaving to go out. I don't think he is threatened by this because he knows me and he's seen me dressed up to go to dance events for ten years now.
I think he's confident that I'm not up to anything, man-wise.
Maybe TOO confident!


(If anything, he was peeved when he saw me get my bicycle out. That was something we used to enjoy together. I didn't ask him to tune it up or anything else. What did he do? He got HIS bike out and took it with him. I swear he was saying:
"SEEEEE????? I am going to ride my bike without YOU toooooo!!!!!"
I hope he does!)


Maybe he needs to be shaken up a bit more in the "my wife would never get involved with someone else" area?
I have stated that I would not want to involve anyone I actually cared about in this mess because it wouldn't be fair. I still feel that way.

And I'm not the type for casual hook-ups. Too much self-esteem and too many risks.

But that doesn't mean I can't put my toe in the pool to check the temperature!


Thoughts?

Anyhow, you can bet I will be happy/flirty with him before I go.
I guess I'd just like him to see me the way so many other guys seem to:
As a real catch!



And when I see those fireworks, I'll think "Romance" instead of H's head exploding.


---GG

[GoatGal]

Hey--moderator???

I noticed the links to my two most recent threads still show an error message.

I don't know how to fix this.

It's been like that since they were posted.

Thanks!
--GG