Hey, saw your message to come by. You referred to a question you had. Is it regarding the friends only thing?
Here's where I stand on being friends with a WAW. First of all, if another man is in the picture don't even think about reducing yourself to being just her friend! As I told you before, anyone can be her friend, but only one man gets to be her H. And if she's discussing a D......but already saying she wants to keep you around as a friend, I have to ask why. You are not good enough to be her H, so why would hang around being a friend? Buy her a dog and save your dignity!
If I remember, it was your W who said that being friends was how it all began for the two of you? But then ended it with some kind of flippant response. Something like, "never can tell" or "just have to see" or something similar. That's not good enough, or shouldn't be enough for you. She says she doesn't want to be your W any longer and already throwing around the friend card! Why would you want a friend like that? You don't, and that's why the WAW and LBH look at it with different viewpoints. Which, I'll get to in a moment.
In situations where there is no other man, but she is a WAW and the two of you are living under separate roofs, I still do not recommend the friends only arrangement. If and only if and when she agrees to work toward reconciling the MR should you enter into a special friendship relationship with her. This period is comparable to premarriage dating. You are getting to know each other again and establishing some new ground rules during this time. It is also during this time the couple should attend a highly recommended MC to lean how to enter into piecing and avoid pitfalls that could derail them again.
I know that MWD used a letter to illustrate a possible upside of the LBH being a BFF to his WAW, but I have NEVER seen it happen on the boards or in life. So FWIW, this is only my POV. I see many WAW's (especially those in affairs) assume the LBH will be thrilled at the chance to keep them as a "friend" with the understanding, of course, that nothing more will ever come from it. The problem here is she is reducing his importance and his role in her life. She demoted him! She doesn't want him as a lover. She doesn't want to live with him. But she'll use him as a friends only? And I say "use" for a reason. It becomes a trap for the H. He thinks he'll be her friend and her feelings for him will ignite and things will eventually lead to back to a MR. But she doesn't think like this. She calls him when she needs someone to listen to her problems. She expects him to run errands and fix the plumbing or electricity, help move her heavy furniture, or whatever she asks of him. In other words, he is her personal handy man or gay guy. If he ever hesitates or declines anything she wants, she wails, gets miffed, and claims she thought he was her friend!! All she does is take advantage of his feelings for her. Some women even want to discuss OM with her friend only H.
So that is why I call it the friends traps. Nearly every WAW will say they want to be friends, but will hold it over his head if he ever objects to anything!! He wants more from the R and she abuses the conditions of the so-called friendship. So he is trapped. If he doesn't comply to her ground rules then she complaines he's not acting like a friend (while she continues to go on her merry way with no interest in resuming a M with him).
He fears she will see him being a jerk by refusing to be friends. (If only he knew she hardly ever has the mindset he thinks she will.). Yes, she will be utterly shocked that you would refuse the privilege of being her BFF. She will want to punish you for that little insult. Doesn't seem to dawn on her how you should be the one highly insulted to have your W consider you among one of her many friends, after she jilted you as her H.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
