It was hard & I wasn't completely sure why she was insistent
Because it is self-degrading! Your D can see it and wants you to show more dignity and pride.
Remember me telling you about my mom? Well, my sister was very much like you. Her first H abused her and she would flee for her life, come home and then slip around begging him to take her back. Her second H was worse. Yet she kept choosing the same kind of men. Third H isn't physical abusive, but is verbal and mentally abusive. No matter how hard we try to get her to respect herself and stop putting up with his cr@p treatment, she won't walk away. Instead, she tries to believe her own lies.......and sell them to her family. None of us are buying b/c we can "see" the truth for ourselves. (And FWIW, the only time she gets any form of affection is the few moments when he has sex with her. Afterwards, it's right back to cr@p. Sex is not love.). She caters to him, builds up his ego, walks on egg shells, and works like a dog holding down several jobs. Not him. He's just fine with himself and never changes a thing. But why should he?
Your D can see what you are doing. She knows that a woman should not degrade herself by pursuing a man who treats her like you've been treated. You believe your own lies and excuses about him......and try to see them to us, but we aren't buying it. Your D gets it. You, I'm not sure. I think you feel it's "just so hard" and you choose to allow your emotions and old behavior patterns to dictate your actions. Sometimes we have to apply will power when the emotions are screaming in protest.
I suppose I was always the extreme opposite. Had too much pride about things like that. Before my H, I had been in love with another young man. But when I discovered he might not feel completely the same.....or have the same goal in mind, I shut the door on him and a future with him. No discussion or anything telling him what I was doing, or why, or the messages I wanted "him" to get by what I did. Sure, I was heartbroken and thought I might actually die. But I had enough spunk, pride, dignity, whatever you want to call it....to distant myself from his life and go about living my own. I pined for him silently for a period, but willed myself to stop it. So I KNOW it can be done if you want it badly enough.
(Your problem is you are still hoping things will change and you will have a future together. So, you continue to pine for him.)
So you see, my sister and I had the same role model in our mother, but we are very different in how we view R's with men. It appears you and your D may differ also. Your D seems to have strength you are lacking. My sister has told me she's weaker than me. But I don't ever see her "trying" to be stronger. I think your D wants to see her mother changing unhealthy, pathetic, and degrading actions.....and see a strong, confident, self-empowering woman bloom before her very eyes.
Take control of your life, Magic. The only reason you give over to these weak moments is b/c you want to. Let go of him! This is not a healthy way to live your life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
