What has come up for me is the realization of how co-dependent I truly was within my relationship. Co-dependency mixed with his demand to control. Whatta match.
The reason I am posting about it is to help me visualize to see & to work through those feelings when they arise. I am happy that I persevered yesterday.
It is easy for many to judge. But this is a learning/growth spurt for me. The fact remains is that it is what it is.... due to the fact that I was soooooo controlled (unhealthy), it is a HUGE step for me to start noticing WHERE & HOW this happens. I was so afraid to do wrong by him fearing that he will get mad & the repercussion would be huge & to never get what I wanted from him (committment/house, etc). I stayed in line & did what I was told because I "believed" it was the way to get him... I was a puppet... so now, when I see it happening (the scared feelings are still there) but I am pushing past the fear & accepting his response regardless of the outcome. I have got to not care one way or the other if it makes him mad or not. ITs about how I FEEL! How the outcome affects me. <<<< This is new to me & I struggle because I easily want to slip into old behaviours that accommodate him, hoping that he will still want me, somehow/someday. It is such a struggle & totally goes against myself because of what I ultimately want...HIM.
With that being said, I am learning to have self-value. Why on earth would I want someone who controls me???? I ultimately want someone who appreciates me. For this to happen, I MUST APPRECIATE ME FIRST!.... this is happening. This started happening when he offered "companionship" instead of reconciliation. I decided I wanted more... but, didn't know how to show that. In the last few weeks, I have learned to say NO, and to stand behind it. "NO" will be what saves me.
I know that this current relationship is not healthy for me... infact, its toxic. Therefore, I am staying out of his way & pushing him out of mine...its just better until I am healthier & /or he has changed.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
