Hi Heather, I thought I had found that person in my W. I knew she had issues and I did as well. The thing is, for a very long time she was willing to see her part and her issues. It wasn't until the depression and MLC that it seemed she could no longer face that she was responsible for her own issues. I think for a long time she wasn't really facing her own issues but blamed her father and his abandonment for a lot of them. When he came to her, apologized and said he had "seen the light", that he wanted to make up for all the bad he had done, she no longer could "blame" him. When that didn't stop her depression/anxiety, her "unhappiness", she had to find something (someone) else to blame and choose me and her marriage. I had thought she was facing her issues as HERS but never really did.
I get what you mean about how Smokey, when he did face his part, was all or nothing. My W was the same way. When she did see something as her "fault' it was devastating and she was so very "sorry". Well, all that does is make her less willing to see that she could be part of the issue. No, to her someone must be to "blame" and if she took ANY responsibility, she took ALL of it. This made her less willing to take any part. That won't work for a healthy R.
For me, any one new I were to have a R with would need to understand that the only person responsible for our "happiness" is ourselves. There is nothing in wedding vows that promise "happiness" as that is out of anyone else's control. I tried so very hard to make my W happy that I lost my own self somewhere along the way. I tried to give her love, support, respect, gratitude. My time, my attention and my friendship. None of those things can "make" someone happy. While it's true that most people spend a lifetime searching for someone that cares enough to willingly give those things, it's the other persons ability to accept them and return them that really decides if they are "happy" or not. My W keeps saying she lost "trust" in me. She can't say exactly what that means. To me I think she doesn't trust that I just willingly give these things to her or that I don't expect something in return. People tend to not appreciate that which they are given freely. It takes losing those things to truly understand their value.
I recently read that only 17% of the population of the US is what could be called in optimal mental health! That leaves a large part of us out there that have issues, large and small. If a person we were to have a R with must be "issue free" I have a feeling we are in for a long and lonely life! No, I'm not looking for perfection, I'm looking for someone who can own their own issues, accept mine as my own and still be able to accept and give their love, friendship, respect and understanding and who is grateful for finding someone who accepts them for who they are. Warts and all!
