And I will not make someone else pay for what others did to me.
Quote:
We are better then that.
Of all the things that helped me to better balance out my life, this was paramount. Understanding that I'm not "better" than somebody else. Certainly in some things, but overall not so much. I'm human. I make mistakes. I stumble. I fall. I get up. But I'm not better than somebody else. Nor are they better than me
The reason that was important to me? Because I did NOT want to remain connected in any way to my ex. My feelings are that if she wanted to leave, then she should go and not be hampered by me. If I were to have a "I'm better" approach, it would get in the way.
Mileage may vary, but it was something in the latter stages that needed to be dealt with, for me.
Accepting that it wasn't about me? That was control for me. I had to release control of things and understand I can only control me. Nothing more, and even that is sometimes difficult, right? See above for why.
Like you, I REFUSE to consciously make somebody else pay for my issues. There is no price too high for that. Why? Because of my integrity and ethics standards I hold myself to. And my belief in God and His plans for me.
I have to say it has been a difficult road to walk. My ex is funny in that she won't go away, although she left and remarried almost immediately. Lies, etc. You know the drill. I've noticed that makes things more difficult for me over just complete absence as I've had with GF's before and since. Whether I initiated the departure or they did, there was no unfriendliness or ill feelings years later. That's a new one for me.
Somebody else on this board mentioned some things to me they noticed. They may not have being nice per se, but they helped in ways you wouldn't imagine. They helped me see that I was being controlling and competitive, even years later. That kept me stuck, and that's never a good thing for long. E - I go back to the above on a regular basis to remind myself what I'm about and reconcile what happened. It's clarifying to me.
You are absolutely correct that it wasn't about you; that's the same for many of us. It may be 30 years in the future when your ex will admit same. They may never. But it's not hard to see as you get further away from the shock and awe. Like you, my ex and I were teens when we met, and I was 20 when we married. A few months before BD everything seemed fine. She even admitted to the C that things were happy etc.
Know what? That made me crazy for a while. I think it was hard on her too. If I couldn't look back and realize she's just human and that her decisions were nothing to do with me (there were many signs) then I'd have lost my marbles a long time ago.
Thanks for posting that!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yes AJ, perhaps I've fallen into analysis/paralysis! Lol... it happens!
Boyfriend is much more relaxed about this relationship and also letting it unfold. As for me I have the patience of a flea if issues are afoot in a relationship. I want them resolved or at least addressed with acknowledgement asap.
I did not think k had not been honest, but it really resonates with me how closely we are all traveling the road. Our thoughts and fears seem to be so very similar.
I need to be done, I cannot keep looking at the sitch and waiting. Even while I'm moving and working on my issues he is not reacting or responding differently. I cannot maintain the friendship for 2 reasons, he expects me to nurture it and give my heart out. He has nothing to give, as he's with ow and that's my second reason my values won't let me settle for plan b.
I am becoming detched, but as pointed out, I wanted it to be easier and the back slides I find tough. Regardless of how things end up I need casual friends in my life both male and female as company and as social group to head out and have some fun.
The mlc person doesn't have the market cornered on fun, or shouldn't.
I do often say to my self I'm better than this, but in the context of my reactions, how I handled stuff. Not in regards to being better than another person.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Here is the context of my phrase: We know better.. We are aware of circumstances.. I did not mean better then others.. I meant our knowledge and awareness..
I wanted to let you know that my XH wanted to stay friends and pursued friendship with me even though I told him I didn't want to be friends.
That's really not fair to you if your doing all the emotional work, is it? That was a problem within my marriage. I did all the emotional work.
I understand your values as well. I didn't think "friends" was an appropriate thing to be based on how the relationship ended, and how still to this day all the lies are trickling out of his closet. I can see that in a healthy "break up" being friends is possible.
Detatchment is good. That just comes with time and space. Define your boundaries and stick to them. To be truthful, it wasn't until my XH lost his cell phone service for a year and then moved out of town that I finally felt free and divorced!
Hi Kimmerz and good folk, I thought that you might like the following free download, it could help you to understand yourselves and other's and why and where all the weird behaviour comes from etc.
It called 'The Negative Love Syndrome' by Bob Hoffman. it's easy to find on the net.
Hi Kimmerz and good folks, I recommend that you find and listen to the following song (On the Net), when you have a relaxing moment or too!
Love Delboy
'Hard Lesson to Learn'
Performed By Rod Stewart
Written by Bernie Taupin, James Triplett, Peter Blachley
I drifted into the notion That you were looking for me I told myself that devotion Would flow from your heart to me
When I looked into your eyes Still no reflection did I see Of love light glowing within there That I hoped there would be
And it's a hard lesson to learn my friend A hard lesson to learn Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want 'times you’re gonna get burned
I took a chance on emotion Washing my heart out to sea A single wave on the ocean You feel so distant from me
And there's a shadow dark upon your smile A sadness living in your eyes Storm clouds rolling in an out of doubt Guess I been living a lie
And it's a hard lesson to learn my friend A hard lesson to learn Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want Sometimes you’re gonna get burned Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
And it's a hard lesson to learn my friends A hard lesson to learn Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
I drifted into the notion That you were looking for me I told myself that devotion Would flow from your heart to me
But when I looked into your beautiful eyes Still no reflection did I see Of love light glowing within there That I kinda hoped there would be
And it's a hard lesson to learn my friend A hard lesson to learn Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want Sometimes you’re gonna get burned Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want Sometimes you’re gonna get burned Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah
Ooooh
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
I've been reading along and I guess my question is...
Is he genuinely WILLING to work on the problem, whatever it is? Does he consider himself 50% of the problem? If so, does he seem able and willing to honestly look at himself?
When I imagine myself in another relationship and I think about what are dealbreakers for me...being broken in certain ways isn't a dealbreaker.
I'm not naive enough to imagine I will EVER be attracted to someone without issues. But, the thing that was missing for Smokey and I was his ability to hold himself accountable for any problems. He simply couldn't wrap his head around his being the source of relationship problems and when he did... it was all or nothing. He was a piece of shid who had his tail between his legs.
I guess what I'm saying, not very well, is that I hope to find someone who is capable of seeing his own broken parts and is willing to work on them together.
I imagine I will be working on the same issues until I'm in the grave, but I'm looking for someone who is willing to face these issues honestly without avoidance, arrogance and a good measure of humility.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Hi Heather, I thought I had found that person in my W. I knew she had issues and I did as well. The thing is, for a very long time she was willing to see her part and her issues. It wasn't until the depression and MLC that it seemed she could no longer face that she was responsible for her own issues. I think for a long time she wasn't really facing her own issues but blamed her father and his abandonment for a lot of them. When he came to her, apologized and said he had "seen the light", that he wanted to make up for all the bad he had done, she no longer could "blame" him. When that didn't stop her depression/anxiety, her "unhappiness", she had to find something (someone) else to blame and choose me and her marriage. I had thought she was facing her issues as HERS but never really did.
I get what you mean about how Smokey, when he did face his part, was all or nothing. My W was the same way. When she did see something as her "fault' it was devastating and she was so very "sorry". Well, all that does is make her less willing to see that she could be part of the issue. No, to her someone must be to "blame" and if she took ANY responsibility, she took ALL of it. This made her less willing to take any part. That won't work for a healthy R.
For me, any one new I were to have a R with would need to understand that the only person responsible for our "happiness" is ourselves. There is nothing in wedding vows that promise "happiness" as that is out of anyone else's control. I tried so very hard to make my W happy that I lost my own self somewhere along the way. I tried to give her love, support, respect, gratitude. My time, my attention and my friendship. None of those things can "make" someone happy. While it's true that most people spend a lifetime searching for someone that cares enough to willingly give those things, it's the other persons ability to accept them and return them that really decides if they are "happy" or not. My W keeps saying she lost "trust" in me. She can't say exactly what that means. To me I think she doesn't trust that I just willingly give these things to her or that I don't expect something in return. People tend to not appreciate that which they are given freely. It takes losing those things to truly understand their value.
I recently read that only 17% of the population of the US is what could be called in optimal mental health! That leaves a large part of us out there that have issues, large and small. If a person we were to have a R with must be "issue free" I have a feeling we are in for a long and lonely life! No, I'm not looking for perfection, I'm looking for someone who can own their own issues, accept mine as my own and still be able to accept and give their love, friendship, respect and understanding and who is grateful for finding someone who accepts them for who they are. Warts and all!
