Yes - you're right. He's probably just a flowery writer/speaker in general. THANK YOU.
(UGH. I feel so played. How completely cruddy.)
Both of the kids went to the movies last night, which meant that H and I had dinner alone. In the flowery email he talked about how he just wants to sit across from me at dinner and talk to me and look at me....
Guess what he did?
He sat and read his iPad. At one point he was IMing someone (and he's not supposed to IM her when I'm in the room per an agreement MONTHS ago). Here's the thing though - I don't want to obsess anymore. a) he could have been IMing lots of people. I don't know that it was her. b) How do I detach and not ask about the affair if I'm flipping out about IM?
So, I guess I did a 180 and did nothing.
He was moving around, repositioning himself in the house. (Don't care.) I sat and did my work (he positioned himself so he could look at MY computer screen).
At one point I cheerfully suggested that we play a game together, but he declined, so I said, "Fine! No problem! I have lots of work to do anyway..."
When we went to bed he suggested that we play the game (it's an online card game) so we did, and I beat him (twice!) which makes him grumpy (whatever...I mean, I guess a 180 for me would be to throw the game and lose so that I could stroke his ego but do I really have to go to that level???). Then I went downstairs to wait for the moviegoers.
So - here's the thing. One of my goals is that we say good night to each other every night. SUPER SMALL goal. I guess I made that a goal because he sent me a list of 10 things that happy couples do and he felt so proud that we already did most of those things (seriously - what the heck with him sending me 10 things happy couples do???). One of the things was be honest with each other (missed that one, buddy). Another one was say good night every night, even when you're mad.
We definitely USED to say good night to each other every night....But we don't now. So - that's my goal.
When he was in Europe, he would IM me that he was going to bed, and I would say, "Good night." Not once did he respond good night.
Last night, I climbed into bed. He pulled me close to him and I said, "Good night." Again - no good night.
(sigh)
So, my frustration this morning is this...
I need to detach and let him go. I need to have NO expectations of him. I think I need to switch my goals.
Is it premature for me to make goals for US? I guess it feels like it is. This makes me feel very, very, very bummed out.
I'm just so frustrated because we used to function SO WELL together (and in his crazy brain, we still are functioning very well together). And now, I'm feeling very much like none of my needs are being met. And I can't tell him that, because it will only push him away!
So - today I'm feeling discouraged. It doesn't help that we're about to go away for a week with my dysfunctional family (yayyyyy).
I think I'll feel better once we're back and I can actually start to implement some of my GAL techniques. Right now I'm mired in organizing three teenagers (H being one of them) for a week away. Meh.
Oh - lastly...this morning we were lying in bed and chatting and he kept talking about how he's "my man." He thought he was being playful and flirty....I just felt nauseated. Again - pre-OW I would have been totally engaged in that conversation and flirted right back. Does he say to OW that he's her man, too? (Vomit.) I can definitely imagine that she's way, way, way more fun to flirt with right now than I am. Seriously - I am going to have to work on my acting skills. Gack.
