"You stopped hurting because your wife left you for longer than I've known my wife."
Um no. I stopped hurting because I realized that it wasn't about me. It was about her. The internal struggles she had were hers to deal with.
And let's re-iterate again. You DO NOT have a SSM. You have a M where your W has a health issue and is trying to deal with it. You keep insisting that you're not all about sex, but that's all you talk about.
No one said you had to permanently live like this, but you seem to make alot of assumptions of what people are telling you. Haven't you noticed that for some reason, the majority of posters to you are in agreement, yet you are the only one who insists on arguing back? Maybe you're the one who's not "getting it".
You hurt because you get validation through sex. We all get it. We all understand. But for some reason you repeat this again and again as if you think we don't. It doesn't matter how loud or long your repeat this, we understand. Now it's up to you on what to do from this point on. You've had both wonderful perspectives from women AND men and argue with all of them.
If you really want help with this, then try seeing from our POV. If you only want to hear the sound of your own voice, then a diary would be better. WE are trying to help you. We've taken time and effort to help you which you don't seem to want despite constantly asking.
You are misinterpreting a lot, and leaving out some of the most important parts, particularly therapy.
I have listened. And I've followed a lot of advice.
But I'm following more advice now instead from Michele's books and my own therapist. The things you say in disagreement about me simply aren't true in the first place so I don't know why I continue to try to change your mind.
As for my wife ever talking about past relationships and past sexual experiences, that part doesn't really bother me in and of itself----it's the combination othem getting it and her giving ultimatums about what she did with them and would never do again, all while our physical relationship is gone.
I don't know what you expect me to talk about here then. I didn't come here to talk about how good my life is, and it is good. Does that not make sense?
I also didn't realize there was a time frame on a SSM. Michele certainly didn't mention that, and I'm also sure any SSM that lasted for years and years started at some point in the first few months.
I don't think this last part will get through, but it's inherently the most important part. My wife and I are good. I'm struggling, yes. I can't turn it off, and expecting it to last for months or years wouldn't help anybody change how they feel about it in the present. But we're talking more, working more closely together on things, and I've changed a lot, in particular with the dogs, and she likes it.I AM being patient, even when I occasionally feel rejected.
So for now, I'm focusing on my therapy. I'm getting better sleep thanks to these new habits, and that helps a lot, despite one of the puppies being sick and waking us up twice this week in the middle of the night. So when I say it's not all doom and gloom just because 3 years IS too long for me to have no progress, also know that it doesn't look like it's going to be that way either because of the changes I've made and because of my wife at least getting the opportunity from me to know what's bugging me so much from time to time.
