Do it again...

[RiverRat812]

Here is my midweek recap of things since my last post.

Comes a time, when a blind man takes your hand and says "Don't you see?"
You gotta make it some how, on the dreams you still believe
Don't give up. You got an empty cup that only love can fill."

Sunday started rough. I did not sleep the night before, spent my time processing my thoughts about the previous day and some of the things the W said. That morning, mom and I were supposed to do laundry. The W texted me that the Internet was still down and I offered suggestions to fix. Had a phone call with her and my D while she was tring out my suggestions. After the phone call, I texted the wife and told her I thought it would be best if we went and petitioned the courts to grant her temporary sole legal custody of my D for the near future. The W did not take that well and reponding that she would need to consult a L before she would consider that. I finished that conversation by saying she was free to do so but any L she consulted with would tell her that not only was I giving her what she wanted but that the way I was suggesting we do it was completely opposite of how it's done. Typically, the custodial parent petitions for sole legal custody, not the non-custodial asking the courts for it to be granted to the other parent. Shortly after that, I texted her and told her to ignore everything I had said that morning, no further contact that morning for either of us.

Yes... This was incredibly stupid and broke a bunch of rules. I was operating from a very insecure and vulnerable place. I was not thinking or acting in a rational manner. Yet another learning experience, always think everything through, sit on a decision, seek advice from someone you trust and wait some more before acting or speaking on it.

After laundry, I went and spent the day doing research on the signs and symptoms that I had been displaying recently and how they fell into previosu diagnosis. I finally had to come to the realization that I had been in denial for a long time about how severe my condition was. I have Type 1 Bipolar Disorder and it has been untreated for most of my life. This does not go against a previous diagnosis I got before my last S. Eight years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar and placed on medication but stopped taking my meds because I did not believe the diagnosis or that the meds were working. I know now that I was probably between mood cycles at that time, so that's why I wasn't showing the obvious signs of a active episode. Plus my drinking was masking a lot of the signs as well as clouding my perception.

I texted the wife later that evening and told her what I learned during the day, I believe in my situation, it would be best if I were totally honest about what I am doing in recovery. Incredibly, she texted me back about a few other technical questions, that some mutual friends had reached out to her wishing us luck in getting through these hard times and that she had sent me an email about some resources I should look into for further treatment options.

The goal from this... Get treatment and get back on medication ASAP!!!

Monday... Not much to say about the day, she sent me one text and I did not respond since it didn't requite a in immediate response. Had a Skype call with my D in the evening, during the call, my W kept texting me about the D and asked me if I would come over Tuesday and visit with D before her child psycholgist appointment. Text messages switch to W asking me for additional funds for bills and I agree that I will give her more money this pay period but that direct dpeosit switches in two weeks and that she would have to get by with the amount she originally requested.

Tuesday... Direct Deposit paperwork submitted with my employer. I had a doctors appointment in the afternoon. I texted W asking what time I should stop by to see my D. I stopped over at the agreed upon time, W had fixed dinner for us. More video games with the D and more hard questions. Went to the child psycholgist and met with her, this is supposed to be for D to cope but I'm confused since she seems to be doing a great job without it. I go back and tell my D a bedtime story and say my goodbye, a long one to the D and a very short one to the W. W texts me on my way home with a proposal to meet me halfway the next time I have a visitation day, she says she wants to be considerate of me and all the travelling I have to do. She also texts about D's visits with my parents and suggests a plan, I tell her I would think about it.

Wednesday... A day of woe. This would be our first MC since I have moved out. I began the morning by texting my discussion points for the session and asked that she do the same, that was so we could focus on the issues and not get sidetracked by feelings. Some of my points had to do with visitation and W said I needed to slow down. W texted me her topics by noon and we had no further texts until the afternoon. W texted me as a was leaving work and asked if we could meet before our session to go over the household budget and I agreed. We also texted back and forth about another topic for discussion, that was the events that preceeded my departure. I agreed that we could spend as much time on it as needed. The session went well but it was very painful for me. There were things I needed to say and even more that I needed to hear. W asked if we could talk after the session and I agreed.

We sat on a bench and talked about a vacation for D and I and the best way to do that made W feel comfortable. We also taked more about my recovery. Then the talk turned to R. We took some time to look at past failures and successes. It's going to take time, we both acknowledge that. We agreed at that time that D is not on the table for either one of us at that moment. W called me three times on my ride home as well as texted me.

I got over the hump this week, I am scheduled to visit with them on Friday. Then I will be getting my D for a Daddy/Daughter Day on Saturday,

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I guess I should say I feel like an outlier on DB... I'm the F*ck Up Spouse. It seems as though every story is one where the DB'ing spouse is trying to work with a partner with major issues that led to the breakdown of the marriage. In my relationship, I'm the one with the major issues that need 180's and I'm here on DB seeking help with my sitch as a way of improving myself and rebuilding my M. So if you are the spouse of a F*ck Up, take heart from this, anyone can come around if given the chance.