Old dog seeks new trick

[Old Dog]

I'm also unsure how to 'do some activity that will help your R as well' as MrBond said above.

I think you are not understanding what Mr Bond wrote.

This is NOT going to be an activity like if I take my wife to the beach she will fall in love with me again.

No, I do understand that: I'm not thinking of some romantic quick fix solution. I know it's going to take time and effort, but luckily I now have the gift of time (now where have I heard that before? :-), and I can make the effort.

I was thinking, I wish I had a blackout curtain as it's 5am and I'm awake again. But as I lay awake, I thought about how our relationship differs from just over a month ago to now.

I still feel a tremdous sense of loss and grief at what's happened and there is a constant physical ache in my heart but I decided pretty early on to not let this take over my life.

So, the similarities are that we're still living together, no physical intimacy, with the same work/life patterns as before but now I'm much happier in myself as I've been jolted out of my six month temporary depression and resentment phase. I now know a lot more about this relationship lark and my own faults and failings.

I came across this in the Going Dark 101.

"If i stay dark then, based on my past performance (pre DB), I am not changing ... my SO will continue to slip away, whether I stay at home or not.

If I take charge (of myself) and stay in the house; this can be seen as pursuit, manipulative or, too little too late. However this is also likely to, with adjustments, have the greatest benefit in the long term for ME if I stay constant so the changed me becomes the REAL me."

By George, you've got it! By George, I think you've got it!

One of your key phrases there was "taking charge of yourself".

"Actions speak louder than words".

My going dark is confined to the relationship now. I keep a PMA and keep busy. My attitude to life is now sunny and I'm more cheerful. I can see my wife pondering this at times. She's thinking 'he's doing this to win me back, but it won't work', or maybe she's thinking of the shopping list: I don't ask, I keep on keeping on, and I do the shopping.

The main things she spelt out to me that caused this, were my lack of emotional reinforcement (the Gerald Rogers list), passion/drive and not being pro-active.

This what I have to work on for my own well being. I am working on the drive and pro-activity front, but how do I start on 'some activity that will help your R as well' when it would probably be seen as unwelcome pursuit?