Long term marriage - husband quit!

[bugsby]

Hypnotherapy is being used to help curb the over the top anxiety and grief.

Ben:
No one can ignore or block out pain, but the process was used (hopefully will help)
the extreme sense of loss and panic
Almost like a guided meditation, it shows you how to (hopefully) use imagery like a tv remote to change the bad pictures into something you can handle. Calm, serene place.

I know the fighting was over the top previously in the relationship. We had come a long ways in NOT fighting, in fact the past 2 years, we seemed to be doing extremely well. We did have a huge blow up at the end, ( I just started EDMR for recovery of past issues we argue over.) and for him it was the last straw- according to him.

(if you ignore the girlfriend) Thats when he checked out.

Thornton: Thanks, will check them out. I have used meditation before.

[bugsby]

Re read the 180. It does say that a BS can express feelings about the affair in terms of how it effects your feelings and life.
(It also adds not to judge or name call or blame the person, but express the pain and trouble you are having.)

My husband wants to "explain" his side of the affair to our DD 18 and DD 21. They have not spoken to him in 3 weeks, he has texted them "whats up?" almost every day. They recently (I have been very neutral and not allowed people to bad mouth their father around them) started short texts back. Even tho on the outside I am glad they are talking to him, (on the inside it hurts, too.)

This is upsetting because these are my girls - future mothers and wives. If this affair behavior is "ok and excusable" from dad - their own father to their mother -- how are they going to see that lesson about themselves?

It bothered me so much I slept on it, re read the 180. I wrote a quick email (I am not in NC ) and told him to think about his behaviors and how explaining/excusing his affair is going to feel to his daughters.

I kept it short (less than one paragraph), to the point and besides calling and affair an immoral decision, I did not condemn him as a person.

His actions mean a lot more than his words- (for example- he used to be the "religious one". Now my 21 year old - who has some issues with religion < well, people who claim to be religions> even before this -- con only say: "See what a big Christian he was? See what the big Catholic can do?"
I don't contradict her, just point out these are behaviors, not the person her dad is.

So if it was a mistake or not, I sent it. It means a lot to me that my girls do not "absorb" this behavior as "ok" - not for me, not for them - not for anyone.

Affairs, the gift that keeps on giving

[Georgiabelle]

Bugsby,

Just catching up on your thread. While, it may be beneficial for you to hear what your h was getting from OW (and I'm guessing some of it was excitement, new, no history, etcetera), I'm not sure what your daughters will benefit from this exercise. I realize they are older, and quite frankly, nothing your h says to your Ds about having the affair is going to sound positive or how much he loves them. As a matter of fact, just thinking about this convo creeps me out a bit. However, you can't control what he says and others may chime in with different views on him sharing this info.

I understand that you don't want your Ds to think cheating is *good* or *mom deserved it.* However, showing them strength, living your life to the fullest and being pleasant to their Dad are actions that will speak volumes. This doesn't mean being a doormat or that you *condone* his behavior. It is what it is though. His relationship with the girls is for him to own. You can tell your daughters that M takes commitment and work. Your Ds will develop their own ideas and opinions and just make yourself available to chat with them if they want.

It gets easier. Hang in there!

[bugsby]

I know. I really debated saying anything. I was afraid it was just going to sound like a manipulation to get him to return.

But, then I thought of my girls, and I did not care what it came out like.
I did use this note as an opportunity to reverse babel "You were right, the fighting was terrible and something had to be done."- and basically state my concerns/emotions and feelings about the affair and the consequences without judgement, anger or name calling or labeling.
GB - how did you at the ripe old age of 40 get such knowledge? or the ability to give such sage advice?

[Georgiabelle]

Ha! Bugsby , I've spent the last several years thinking I had to be * superwoman* and do it all. Post BD, I've learned to relax and go back to more of who I used to be. It has been good for me and my kids !

I have 3 kids and h is " in love" with OW and has no idea I know she exists. My kids are younger than yours and are very perceptive and observant. My older 2 are in therapy and have caught him in lies and told me and their therapist. They don't say anything to their Dad though. It can be difficult. They are watching me- particularly my daughter. It's a challenge, however you can acknowledge that cheating is not appropriate while acknowledging that people make mistakes. And I always tell my kids, every decision has consequences-some good and some bad.

Is your h super involved with your Ds? Has he become more distant with them? I'm curious as to what he wants to tell them about his A. Is he looking for their understanding and acceptance as to why he cheated?

It gets better:-)

[bugsby]

Yes. He wants to tell them:

"You know mom and I fought a lot in the last few years" . >>except, I must add - about the last 2<<. He wants to tell them- from what I gather from his texts, that

"He chose to end the marriage to stop the fighting!" and that "when he met the OW. AFTER the marriage was "done" there was no affair - because mom and dad decided the marriage was OVER!"

A. He thinks this makes him a hero - because he HAD to stop the fighting by ending the marriage.
and
B. the other woman is REALLY not an other woman.

This is the gist of his text. He believes he can bullshinola them into believing this, because at the current HE believes this. Also I imagine he believes rainbows and unicorns are going to carry them into their next life....

[oad]

I hear ya...my W wants to say that we both agreed to the divorce...but like an idiot I left my house thinking we where just separating, so now the kids think Im the one that left,,,WTF it was the WAW that wanted this...its a tough one ..the things these walk aways say and think..geeees

[bugsby]

Why do WAH insist on such quick divorces? It is every time I talk to him now.

Yes, I know, the obvious, the OW is pressuring him, he does not feel comfortable living here (duh, why?) and does not want to continue to pay the bills.

I have respectfully told him I am not ready, I will not talk about it, and I know what my principles and know what MY choices are and he is welcome to do what he must.

He has no idea what a mess this is going to be (he wants a "no Lawyer, me sign over the house no alimony deal" --- never going to happen.

My counsel says "sit tight" and hold your ground. Refuse to be pushed into something you do not agree with.
are there any stories of WAH who pressured, pressured and pressured and then changed their minds?

This is very painful.

[labug]

What does he want to talk about re D that you don't want to talk about?

[bugsby]

Well, it has only been 2 months since BD. I am in no way even close to "dividing up" my house or life in any agreement. I will file when my heart and my head are in the same place. I don't recommend making huge life altering decisions based on emotional gut reactions. This is in my power, and I can not control what he does.

He thinks we can do a "cheap easy" divorcee (disillusion of assets.)
He of course, thinks I deserve no alimony, nor property settlement. (He thinks I should just leave "everything". HUGE house and barn, loaded with items, and I'm moving to a 2 bedroom flat?? He has always been a hoarder, he keeps everything - it is going to be his panic to see "his stuff" go for sale or auction.
In this respect, I'm better off, because I believe things are just things....

He also claims the house is a "wash", and I should just sign it over to him (for MY benefit.)
Of course, my lawyer thinks this is a load of crap, and I should never agree to nor sign anything re: property settlement, house settlement or alimony (maintenance). Apparently, this WS line of thought is as common as rain. I do not want to be the one to break it to him (about the alimony - or property settlement -- or audit.)
that is what lawyers are for.
When he realizes that his little fantasy of a "cheap, quick, easy" divorce is NOT going to happen, I don't want him to direct that frustration at me. I hope the OW gets a sniff.

He is really cheesed off that he is "paying the bills" and not living here. If we file for a divorce, he is going to have to continue "the norm" anyway- until the divorce is finalized.

He thinks we are going to sit down, write up an agreement, and go file ourselves $290 in my state - and whada boom, whada bing! 90 day divorce. Happy WS, happy OW -

Pack your bags, BS..