You DON'T negotiate desire. But if you stand up to her, learn not to be her whipped puppy, tell you what your minimum needs are, and tell her that she either has to meet them or you are filing for divorce, I think you might both be surprised to see her attitude towards you change.
Your wife is reading bodice rippers full of take-charge men. This is what turns her on, presumably. Romance novels full of shy, sensitive guys who tiptoe around bullying women either do not exist or are not her thing.
I am convinced that nothing in your situation will change until you tell her in no uncertain terms what you need and that if you don't get it, you are leaving. No amount of complaining here is going to change a thing, except maybe to give you the courage to stand up to her.
You have a HD - LD mismatch in your marriage. But beneath this unbalance there is a deeper unbalance: she holds power over you in an unhealthy way. She has gained the power to tell you what you can legitimately feel and what is silly for you to feel. Some might say that the unbalance stems from the sexual dynamic. I think it's the other way around: she lacks desire for you because she sees you as a scared rabbit.
I am so happy to hear about your New Year's resolution to speak your mind with her at all times. If you are diligent about this every day, I think you will find your voice and take back your power.
And if you do tell her that you are leaving unless she meets your needs better and you get no response or a lukewarm response, then you know that she really isn't interested in being married to you. Then you can leave honorably.
But once she finally HEARS that you mean business, you might have to spell out explicitly (as you did in your list above) what you need. She is not going to know based on a vague complaint that you feel a lack of affection and passion. Been there, done that. She needs lurid detail.
I believe she will only desire a man whom she feels can stand up to her and intimidate HER as easily as she intimidates others.
