Well, negotiations with H completely broke down, largely because he didn't offer any suggestions at all. Literally, none. He talked a lot. But didn't have anything to offer. I tried to be as patient and helpful as I could but it's not my responsibility to find solutions for *him*. And then he decided he didn't want to go to the MC session. So, that's that. H has gotten so dysfunctional lately he's landed himself temporarily homeless... again. I really don't get it. How can you be so conflict avoidant, so averse to making decisions, that you end up without a place to live? I guess he's staying with friends for now. I offered to have him take over my place since I'm moving and it's not too big for him, but haven't heard anything on that point yet.
So, I'll be relocating with the kiddos in about a month. I still don't plan to file, but... I suppose we'll see how that goes. I won't be able to file in FL for a while anyway. Maybe that will give H some time to think. Maybe he'll come to his senses after a couple months.
Going home will be good for everyone. All the grandparents are there, aunts, uncles. Kids won't be stuck indoors for nine months out of the year anymore. Looking forward to it. And it will be nice to not have H around yelling at everyone every few days. Pretty excited about my plans for life in FL. It will be so great for the kids to get out of stuffy, moldy, NW apartments. Looking forward to taking the kids to the beach. Can't really do that here without worrying about all the radiation from Fukushima. Will be nice to grow fruits and veggies for my kids, too. By next summer, I'll be juicing my own produce.
I'm really sad that things with H took a sharp turn for the worse. We'd been doing so well, had plans for the summer... really thought we were finally getting close to getting back together. But, as usual, as soon as we get close to something real, H sabotages it. I'm tired of the roller coaster. It's time for me to really GAL.
I know a lot of folks will say that I shouldn't move so far away. We were always supposed to move back down south and H decided he didn't want to move to Raleigh - which was my compromise since there's more industry for him there. I'd rather be near my family. I've been in WA for nearly 10 years now. I don't like anything about it. I especially despise the culture here. I don't want my daughter growing up in this place. The climate literally makes me ill... And despite my real, sincere efforts to get out and try to GAL here, I just can't. I have no connection to this place at all. I really dislike it here. I've been surprised how different I feel when I visit my parents back home. It's hard to describe. I just feel grounded, less scattered and disconnected. And at this phase of my life, I sure could use those bear hugs from my dad on a much more regular basis.
Florida isn't my final resting place to be sure. But, there's a good opportunity to rebuild *ME* there. It's the next phase of my life - getting back to my roots, my family, the real me, and building on it with what I have, where I am, really getting my core self solid and firm so I can go anywhere and do anything and be satisfied. I want to master that... so I can teach that to my kids. I haven't been able to do that here and H hasn't either. It's the source of a lot of unhappiness for us and everyone around us. So, I'm going zen - get back to basics and build, build, build.
Maybe I can get out of H's storm enough that I can offer some help to my MIL who's been living alone in a horrible dump for years. So not right that H let's her rot like that. As long as it won't cause a lot of drama, I think I'd like to get my hands dirty and help out. We haven't always seen eye-to-eye and I don't respect a lot of her choices, heck, I'm not even sure I could say I like her... but no one deserves to be stuck living the way she has been, especially not a woman with a strong, capable son with some means at his disposal. I've got friends who can help, so... we'll see.
Lots of work to do between now and the end of the month. Pretty overwhelming. My mom might fly out to help with the kids so I can get it all done. Hope so. I'm in a bit over my head and to be sure this is one move H will not be helping with. Most sad about my plants. Can't take them with me, really. They won't survive the trip in the hot car. That and I'm really limited on what I can take with me unless I want another big loan from my parents and I'd rather save that for something more important than moving junk. I'm ready to start over without all the stuff.
Life quickly gets much more simple when everything you own gets put through the "Is this important enough to take up space in the 5' x 8' x 5' uhaul trailer that is pretty much ALL I'm keeping?" filter. Two weeks ago? I had 8 bins of holiday stuff. Now I have two. And I'm still pretty sure that's at least one bin too many. A year ago, my books took up the entire back wall of a giant moving truck - roughly 60 boxes. Now? I have just 8 boxes. My craft supplies? Ten bins down to one. And you know... I don't mind getting rid of all this stuff. It's just stuff. Most of it is stuff I bought for the wrong reasons - mainly because of my bitterly unhappy relationship with my WAH, my attempts to get his attention, look interesting, or keep busy so I wouldn't have a total breakdown.
Now? I'm finally going to go home and build my little house. Next summer, life will be drastically different. I'll be well on my way to finishing my BA, finishing the rewrite on my novel, living in my funky little place, weeding my garden, bathing my dog while my little girl splashes in a kiddie pool. We won't be able to zip off to ball games and I'll have to give up a few things, but... it's worth it. I want a quiet, happy, soulful life, not all this noise and distraction and disconnect. I want to teach my kids that there's a better way to live, where everyday doesn't feel like a prison sentence. Feel like I'm finally getting there. And I guess in a strange way it's good my H left or I might not be on my way to something better right now. Kind of wish I'd given up sooner but at least I know I tried. Maybe he'll follow, maybe he won't. But at least I can go be happy now.
