Life now that Ex MLCer has married the OW!

[AJM]

but it wasn' t about me.

And I will not make someone else pay for what others did to me.

We are better then that.

Of all the things that helped me to better balance out my life, this was paramount. Understanding that I'm not "better" than somebody else. Certainly in some things, but overall not so much. I'm human. I make mistakes. I stumble. I fall. I get up. But I'm not better than somebody else. Nor are they better than me

The reason that was important to me? Because I did NOT want to remain connected in any way to my ex. My feelings are that if she wanted to leave, then she should go and not be hampered by me. If I were to have a "I'm better" approach, it would get in the way.

Mileage may vary, but it was something in the latter stages that needed to be dealt with, for me.

Accepting that it wasn't about me? That was control for me. I had to release control of things and understand I can only control me. Nothing more, and even that is sometimes difficult, right? See above for why.

Like you, I REFUSE to consciously make somebody else pay for my issues. There is no price too high for that. Why? Because of my integrity and ethics standards I hold myself to. And my belief in God and His plans for me.

I have to say it has been a difficult road to walk. My ex is funny in that she won't go away, although she left and remarried almost immediately. Lies, etc. You know the drill. I've noticed that makes things more difficult for me over just complete absence as I've had with GF's before and since. Whether I initiated the departure or they did, there was no unfriendliness or ill feelings years later. That's a new one for me.

Somebody else on this board mentioned some things to me they noticed. They may not have being nice per se, but they helped in ways you wouldn't imagine. They helped me see that I was being controlling and competitive, even years later. That kept me stuck, and that's never a good thing for long. E - I go back to the above on a regular basis to remind myself what I'm about and reconcile what happened. It's clarifying to me.

You are absolutely correct that it wasn't about you; that's the same for many of us. It may be 30 years in the future when your ex will admit same. They may never. But it's not hard to see as you get further away from the shock and awe. Like you, my ex and I were teens when we met, and I was 20 when we married. A few months before BD everything seemed fine. She even admitted to the C that things were happy etc.

Know what? That made me crazy for a while. I think it was hard on her too. If I couldn't look back and realize she's just human and that her decisions were nothing to do with me (there were many signs) then I'd have lost my marbles a long time ago.

Thanks for posting that!

AJ