#32: My Power & Detachment: Letting go/BLESSED!!

[makingmagic]

HI Sandi... yes, still a lot of inner conflict because it goes against my natural instinct to be "wifey/partner/there". How can you stop "wanting" what you want? Weird position to be in. All I can do when my struggles occur is to think "I love you, but... this is not good enough" and carry through. Regardless of what his reaction/non reaction will be. I am learning that much. I have spent WAY too many years pretzeling because I was afraid to cross him. I gave up my control. Control of myself/my thoughts. Trying soooo hard to get them back.

Even right now... Im struggling trying to maintain distance by not calling him to inform him of mundane work stuff. He said he would call me back (and usually does so while driving)... he has gone against his usual self today too. Is he playing a game? to test? is he busy? .... dunno. This is unusual behaviour from both of us.

Yes, he has taken advantage of me & our business arrangement for a very long time. I am "massaging" my way back into my business opposed to walking away. I would be walking away from too much. So, I am being careful & watching my timing and approach to getting what is rightfully mine (too). He knows it. He is just all about control & giving up some of it. Selfish!

I understand it is my prison, but it is also my gravy train.... I just need to stick it out a little longer (while he is involved in one dealing) & then I can approach mine ...AGAIN! If I were to approach it right now, it would look like an attack. I am not up for that fight. I would rather take what I can get (honey vs. vinegar) & then it be done. I have learned an expensive lesson with my first X-h... he put me through the ringer & we fought till the bitter end (still ongoing). I am not doing it that way this time. I will be further ahead to accept what is being offered, than to fight and fight to end up with less or the same, but cost me soooo much more $$ and sanity.