M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Hey, you ever want over-analysis, I'm your Goat Gal!
This was my H's OW, and my dad's. So two I saw up close. Plus several more I know about, as well as a few women I know who have been OW. And YES. I set them straight!
"Oh, he's trapped in a terrible marriage...blah blah."
I said: "Newsflash! They want to get in your pants. They LIE!! Hello!!!????"
---GG
(Leaving no stone unturned since 1960.)
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Hey, you ever want over-analysis, I'm your Goat Gal!
This was my H's OW, and my dad's. So two I saw up close. Plus several more I know about, as well as a few women I know who have been OW. And YES. I set them straight!
"Oh, he's trapped in a terrible marriage...blah blah."
I said: "Newsflash! They want to get in your pants. They LIE!! Hello!!!????"
---GG
(Leaving no stone unturned since 1960.)
Seriously. I didn't fall for this nonsense in HS or college. That women fall for it with married guys is astonishing to me. Morons.
I actually have a certain amount of compassion for OW. They rarely seem happy. They clearly have big issues. They've sold themselves low and there's no doubt that they are at least a little bit aware of it.
When I was newly out of college I worked at a law firm where the new assistants like me were basically feed mice for the male partners. Those guys were shameless and predatory and not at all subtle. One tried to lure me in with the promise of a trip to Paris. Another stuck his left hand in his pocket whenever he spoke to me, as though I'd never notice his wedding band. It was only the ick factor of their brazenness that kept me from falling for these guys. My sense of self had been dinged up pretty good in college, I was alone in a new city, and it was hard to make friends.
There are thousands of ways for people to be vulnerable to bad choices. I'm sorry my husband now falls in that category, but if I can show compassion to a young, troubled OW should I deny it to my husband of sixteen years?
Which is the reason I defaulted to standing for my marriage in the first place, and the reason I'm struggling to be clear on why and how I will continue to stand for it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Man oh man. You are articulating things for me(!) really well. Thank you for your presence here.
I will try to carve out some mental space tonight (D3 didn't nap so I'm hoping for a pre-8:00 bedtime!) to respond and update on my sitch. I think we are similar in a lot of ways, so I (selfishly) hope you stick around for a while.
I actually have a certain amount of compassion for OW. They rarely seem happy. They clearly have big issues. They've sold themselves low and there's no doubt that they are at least a little bit aware of it.
I dunno. I have very little compassion for the OW in my case. I know she had an affair with a previous boss, and it ended in divorce for him. (She wasn't yet married.) She told my husband that she wasn't that type of girl. Except she is. A very, very broken girl.
I also remember when I met her (!) about two months before the BD. She asked me how my H had proposed to me. The absolutely flat expression on her face as I told the story is what resonates with me. It was really, really weird. It didn't set off alarm bells at the time, but looking back on it now it positively gives me the willies.
Quote:
There are thousands of ways for people to be vulnerable to bad choices. I'm sorry my husband now falls in that category, but if I can show compassion to a young, troubled OW should I deny it to my husband of sixteen years?
Which is the reason I defaulted to standing for my marriage in the first place, and the reason I'm struggling to be clear on why and how I will continue to stand for it.
This I totally get. I think my husband made a really bad choice. I think he truly hopes (hoped?) that it would not hurt anyone. I think he is starting to recognize that many people are being damaged by this.
I hope (HOPE) that his trip with our 15 year old daughter made him evaluate what knowledge of this whole mess would do to her.
Sigh. Just off the phone with him doing a little bit of kid logistics. He looked awful and scruffy. I miss him. It's hard not to pursue. He asked about family night and I asked if that was what he wanted and he said "I don't know, this is new to me." Then we both kind of chuckled awkwardly. Ended by saying we'd play it by ear.
I just want him to say he's ready to work things out. But I think he needs more time in his man-cave (it's only his second night there, with all the travel) before he figures that out.
I know he was watching me really closely Sunday. I know I miss him and am ashamed of so many things I wish I could take back. I doubt he feels the same way.
Somebody please tell me how this story ends so I can get through the next chapters.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
No one knows how your story ends...each one is different. I know for certain, though...the only way through it is through it. And you will get through it, and you will come out a better you, because you are introspective and reflective and willing to do the work on yourself...regardless of what happens in your M. You can't control that...but you can control the YOU who comes through the other side of this.
About the book, HTIYMWTAI for short, I get it. I read it in the first 6 months of the S and with every page thought, "why am I reading this now?" Here's the thing, you don't know what your future holds, the info in the book is good info.
We have to remind ourselves that we did the best we could with what tools we had. The past is the past, we can't change it. Now that we know better, we can do better. Don't waster time or energy looking backward.
GoatGirl, I probably have analyzed it that fully, I used to be on overthinker. I'm in recovery.
Compassion is good for everyone. Your H's OW seems particularly broken and we don't know her back story. We all have one. Do we, by any stretch of the imagination, think she's happy?
Compassion is an interesting and transformative practice. I have been a very harsh judge of myself, I was raised by a very harsh judge and I have sometimes rained that on my children. I judged those around me constantly and felt that I was constantly being judged.
It was only when I chose to be compassionate with others and their imperfections that I was able to be compassionate with me, and my imperfections.
That doesn't mean I think you and the OW should do lunch but you can maybe see it for what it is with your H, 2 broken individuals each trying to fill a hole in their soul with what the other has to offer.
Did you find an AlAnon meeting?
I think we all need to go through the "Why do I want this M?" analysis; sometimes it is because that's what we thought our life was going to be. That was The Plan. I've seen many people on these boards who were afraid of that question of why because it brings up even bigger questions. Delve into it. Who wants to get a marriage back and then wake up one morning thinking "WTF was I thinking?"
Why can't you go on that trip by yourself or with a friend? I had many of those "he never" "he didn't" resentments. When we were S and after I came out of my hole, I started doing those things, big and little.
You really are doing great Maybell, this is going to be life-changing for you.
In a good way.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss