...the ONLY thing you have control over is yourself. You cannot change her. That doesn't mean she will never change.. and it doesn't mean that you have nothing to work on yourself.
Have you even read DR? One of the major points is that ONE person CAN change the dynamic of the relationship.
The problem you are having at work? Well, I don't know how common that is. But I will say that I have not been with someone for many months...and have found ways to release those needs.
You can either choose to be patient and work on yourself... or not.
Again.. what do you want us to tell you? If you really don't think she will ever change, then quit. If you want to work on your M, you have to figure out some of your stuff first. If I had done that, I might not be S today.
Can you have any patience?? No one is saying to live unhappily ever after! But folks do seem to be saying to take a breath, work on your listening and communication skills, and stop focusing on what you think is wrong so much! There are other issues in your M besides no sex. What role are you playing? Is it possible that your W is telling you everything is fine because she assumes you wouldn't really listen to her anyway? Can you focus on any of the good things about her (are there any?)
You may just find happiness and peace if you look inward.
Two things--------you’re right, I can only change me. I did change me to be a better husband because of the things my wife asked for.
And yes, I’ve read DB. I feel like I shot myself in the foot a bit------DB mainly talks about making deliberate change, but nearly all of the suggestions I was already doing. For example, “if your wife isn’t showing you enough affection, why not try leaving her a random romantic note or surprising her with flowers? You’ll be surprised how much your wife wants you now!” I kinda already do the things the book suggests BECAUSE I was already aware how much she liked them and they made her feel loved.
I choose to be patient. I do! I feel like I’m being attacked when people say I’m not patient and not working on myself--------I’m being as patient as I can and I’m doing better than I thought possible with patience… and I still have these feelings, however rare they are, that I’m afraid when they happen and can’t be stopped will turn into bad things for us down the road, such as resentment.
The thing is, everyone says they understand. Then the next thing they say is their partner left.
Originally Posted By: claire7
Is it possible that your W is telling you everything is fine because she assumes you wouldn't really listen to her anyway
Maybe. I doubt it, sincerely. I’m not trying to pass the buck, but I sincerely believe she believes I would listen. For the sake of the next question, please assume that part is true; I think it makes more sense if she doesn’t even know what isn’t fine. For example, if she wants me to make more money, she feels selfish saying that, so she doesn’t or maybe she doesn’t even recognize that’s what she truly wants from me now. I’d give her every penny so she didn’t have to work anymore, and I’ve told her that, too. Or maybe she doesn’t know what she wants from me, but therapy could help. Only she’s not in therapy and hasn’t made any real steps towards any.
Maybe it’s her hormones, right? But her doctor isn’t going to help her with hormones to get her libido back if she doesn’t tell her doctor about it, right? After all, that’s only important to me, right? I’m the selfish one, right? Asking her to do anything to want something I need makes me a jerk because my need is sex-----any other need and everyone seems to agree, but sex is still a “selfish” issue rather than a love and marriage issue.
Quote:
You may just find happiness and peace if you look inward.
I was happy and at peace before I met my wife. I’m looking inward and I’m afraid of the answer now to finding peace because I’m not like people who can go years without peace. Life is simply too short. I have a friend, his kid died last weekend, 23 years old, single-car crash, wasn’t drinking. If I stay like this for 2 years and then die that way, I’d consider that time a waste. It probably just sounds like I’m not being patient at all, but again, the real question is how to deal with that patience without pretending I can just force myself to want to be celibate and quickly.
