In my situation alone, I have discovered my husband of now almost 23 years (together almost 30) cheated on me, betrayed me, treated me terribly, and finally filed for divorce for reasons he is still unable to articulate.
Prior to that, he didn't touch me for almost two years... and then decides to give the affection that should have been mine to some fool who believed his lies.
I now live alone on a farm, where I have to take care of all the animals and property myself. He shows up. Sometimes. Sometimes not. I have senior hospice dogs, part of an endeavor that he and I created together, but now I'm stuck here medicating and cleaning up after them at all hours. He gets to spend his "down-time" at a friends apartment, his own room, rent-free. There is nobody waking him up in the middle of the night, no roosters waking him at 4 AM.
I have chronic pain from old injuries, yet there are no days off, no breaks... I am ALONE. ALL DAY. EVERY DAY. ALL NIGHT. EVERY NIGHT. (Unless I make specific plans to get out of here and that's an additional burden.)
He allowed us to create a lifestyle where I became completely financially dependent, and now he holds that power over my head.
I could be earning more--but my studio is now filled with his remodeling crap, and it's so hard to get away for more paying gigs and workshops when I have so many chores and there is no one to help me. How can I get out to play/DJ more when I have to feed the animals in the evening, and get up at the crack of dawn?
I am TRAPPED HERE.
If I didn't have the Internet, I think I might lose it... really I would. There is no one to talk to except the animals. It's really crazy.
Couple this with thoughts of what my H might be doing with his "free time" and what new plot he's hatching against me... well....
Your Question: How do we deal with the hurt and the pain?
WE ACCEPT IT. We can't change it. We learn the skills to cope with it, and over time, it does get better.
That's what we've all been trying to tell you.
Yes. It hurts. You'll read a lot of stories filled with anguish and pain here. Deep pain. For years. For some the healing is elusive.
It's a process, and we learn to be better and stronger from it.
Do I wish I had a magic potion that would make my H get his head out of his arse and stop acting like an idiot? You betcha! But there is no such thing. I can't "make" him do that any more than you can change your wife.
The only people who can make those changes are themselves. If they want to. If it's important enough. Period.
The pain I am going through is making me stronger. I'm like a sword being forged in the fire, I am becoming more resilient, sharper. I am wiser. I have relationship skills that surpass anything I've ever had. So in a way, I'm grateful. I am BETTER than I was before this awful reality was forced upon me, I really believe that. And others can see it too.
I am LEARNING things I thought I already knew... and I am HUMBLED. I see myself differently. I see my H differently. I see my life and my marriage differently.
Grey, This is what I hope for you. That no matter the outcome of your predicament, that you will be a better man for it.
Your wife married you for a reason. Now you're faced with a difficult situation. How well you handle it depends on the skills you are able to learn and put to use.
You will like yourself more if you come through this stronger and wiser. And I think your wife will respect and love you even more if you are able to adapt and grow as a result of this trial.
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People here would not be posting to you unless they were trying to help. They have better things to do with their time. I know I do.
Perhaps this bumpy phase in your life is signaling a time for quiet reflection, and stopping the thoughts that are sending you into this negative spiral.
Things could be A LOT WORSE. Not that that's any comfort, but you've got to see the big picture here.
You're not dying. Your marriage is not crumbling. You are not in a SSM--yet---and you may never be! But you've got to handle this delicately... and try and let go of the outcome, at least for a while.
We're still talking a few weeks here. I know it feels like forever, but it's really a blip.
Surely there are other ways to get your needs for physical affection met in some fashion while having an intimate connection with your wife, even if it's not the "ideal" encounter?
Maybe something simple like taking a bath together and/or massage? Something that puts the focus on a physical connection, without the pressure of the "Big O"?
(Sometimes that's the gateway to bigger and better things, anyway. Ask any woman. )
Without going overboard, just spend some time connecting with her tenderly, physically, affectionately, without the sexual overtones.
Not in bed. Not naked. Not when you're feeling hurt and needing comfort from her.
Think of it as giving comfort to her---with ABSOLUTELY NO EXPECTATIONS.
And that means, you can't come back here and say: "It didn't work. She still didn't want to have sex with me!"
It is not to "get her" to "want to" have sex. It's to get her to feel CLOSER to you PHYSICALLY and EMOTIONALLY.
It's to increase the tenderness, and create an environment of openness and safety for HER.
Again. Expectations that this will "work" on her will defeat the entire purpose.
And I know you do a lot of wonderful things for her that we wish our H's would do for us. Perhaps you do too much?
What does your W like to do for you?
Have you read the Five Love Languages? It helped me understand a lot about why my H didn't feel I appreciated him, and I didn't feel that he understood me either.
I'm not going out on too much of a limb when I say I think your top "Love Language" is PHYSICAL TOUCH! Hahaha! (Mine too. Kind of a problem right now when the only "touch" I get is getting stuck in the ribs with a goat horn or jumped on by a dog in my sleep.)
---GG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
