Seriously. I have been ripped a new one over there. I believe there is such a thing as a MLC, but I believe it to be rare. On the other hand, many of the so called MLC situations to me appear to be SSM problems.
I guess to me a SSM problem is one where the COUPLE has problems in meeting each others needs, whereas a MCL problem is where all needs are BEING MET, but the spouse still behave irresponsibly. Is there a BETTER definition?
Well, I think a MLC is when someone realizes their life is half over and wonders what they could have done differently to life a more "exciting" life. Usually they also don't want to admit that they're physically hitting that "middle-age" classification, and try to convince themselves that they're still as young as they want to be. (Mind, some middle-agers can be younger than some young adults - just depends on how jaded or content they are. I'm talking about the individual's perspective, not what I think in that.)
I think a MLC can be brought about BY a SSM - he or she realizes they're not happy with how they've been living, that big 4-0 (or 5-0) starts them thinking that they've spent half their lives (or 10 years, or however long) in a relationship that doesn't make them completely happy, and realizes they're getting to the years where they might not have as much chance to BE in one, and the usual actions taken to make them feel younger become actions taken to make them feel younger and satisfied in the ways they weren't before. That realization of middle age I think could also make a person more likely to be willing to cut and bail instead of work on it because, after all, they've had half their life (or 10 years, or however long) to get it right, and if it hasn't, why bother now?
Part of me also thinks that in some ways a MLC might be brought on by boredom - the realization that one has become one's parents, and how boring were THEY? - from living a fairly stable - if not sedate - life. Sort of... through most of a person's life, there are things constantly changing - in the beginning of a young adult relationship, establishing careers, putting finances together, having kids, the kids growing, dealing with the teen years, having the kids move out... and once they're gone (or maybe once they're old enough that teaching them how to be good people is less the job it once was, or a less successful one) and the career has been established and settled for a few years, it seems like it would be easy to slip into a pattern of living, but now without the constant changes and struggles. Or maybe the pattern was there but there was so much else going on there wasn't really time to worry about it. And once there isn't... it seems like it would be easier to realize how that pattern exists and get bored with it, want to do something to shake things up, make life exciting again, avoid feeling like an old fogy. And an SSM would definitely intensify those feelings - if you're bored and frustrated with your sex life on top of everything else... *shrugs*
*frowns* So I guess I'd say that a SSM can intensify a MLC, and a MLC can bring a SSM to the point of no return... But it seems to me that the actual psychology of the two are different... but could easily be intertwined.
I am turning in revolution
these are the scars that silence carved
on me
I agree with much of what you say. But when I read the MLC board, I would guess that at least % of the sa called MLC where the men leave their wives are all about a SSM. see these women refer to the OW as slut, whore, bimbo, or some other sexual connotation. Then you will see the wife talk about how the hubby left for sex, and that there is more to marriage then sex. There are so many SEXUAL reasons being refered to in these so called MLC stories. It just seems so obvvious that these men left for sex, their sexual needs were not being met at home. This is a SSM to me. The problem I see for these ladies is that they see it as a MLC, so therefore the HUBBY is mostly or entirely to blame, while if you see it as a SSM, then BOTH in the relationship are to blame. But I dared to suggest that their was a sex problem and all hell breaks loose. Heck, even my OWN wife trys to brush off my problems as MLC, when it is 100% a SSM. My trying to bring back sex to my marriage is interpreted by her as TRYING to relive my youth. See, she honestly believes that since her libido left her, that it is normal to lose interest as people get older. IT DOES NOT HAPPEN TO HD GUYS! I have been patiently waiting for my wifes sex drive to COME BACK, mine NEVER LEFT ME, and very likely never will. To me, a MLC is when one spouse acts STRANGELY and Irresponsibly, not when they want to be lovers!
CeMar: I agree with you that calling a SSM a MLC is an easy (blameless) way out for the LD spouse. And I agree that a true MLC contains lots of other behaviors such as buying that sports car you always wanted, going to bars where the patrons are generally much younger than you, and other typical MLC weirdness. I don't know that much about your sitch, but unless you're doing these other weird things, you're probably not in a MLC. You W may see the 'dance lessons' suggestion as leaning toward MLC, but what I remember was that you had suggested it as a way for the two of you to get together and participate in an activity. Did you ever propose this to your W?
Just because a man wants to improve his relationship to the way it was when he met his wife does NOT mean a MLC. And yet so many women see it this way, that their husbands are turning weird for wanting to be sexual(and yet it is the WOMEN that changed!) I have looked at the MLC board, and honestly, I would say the majority of issues on that board are not MLC situations, they are really SSM situations. The women on their do not want to face the music, that their husbands so called MLC is actually his reaction to a SSM. Of course, calling it a MLC means the WOMEN does not have to blame herself, and that is the LAST thing the women over there want to hear!
Oh, and the dancing thing is not dead. I am looking into dance classes around my area, and I will be checking the community college next. I probably need to go visit some classes in session to see what they are like. I do not want to get into something REAL serious, just something to help me learn modern dance so I can take my wife out after dinners.
Well, I, for one, am NOT going through a MLC. I am the HD spouse in the marriage. I tend to agree that alot of women see this as a MLC. You don't hear of many men saying their wives are going through it because they want sex due to the lack of their interest. anyways my 2 cents worth
I believe that less than 75% of the so called mlc'rs are actually in mlc.
So many lbs grasp at the mlc label to find justification for what's going on in their lives..that way they don't have to take any responsibility and can blame it all on the was.
They are mostly SSM. You know, when you refer to a SEX STARVED MARRIAGE, it generally truns off a woman when they are already LD, it is like an attack on them, they become defensive. But a SSM is really not about sex, at least not completely. Maybe we could find a better term for it rather then SSM. Maybe call it Unmet Needs Marriage or Deficient Needs Marriage or something like that. When we refer to SSM, m wife immediately throws up the "IT's ALL about SEX to you" crap.
I agree that MLC is an overused label and that many marriages where the X supposedly had a MLC are actually SSM. This is true of my marriage. I thought my X was having an MLC until I read CeMar's posts here.
CeMar, the problem is that my X never explained his dissatisfaction to me anywhere NEAR as explicitly as he needed to in order to make me understand.
How are YOU coming along in that department, CeMar? I see your posts here are saying pretty much the same thing here as they always have. If you spent 1/100th the amount of time explaining things to your wife as you do complaining here, you would break up the logjam in your marriage by either, (1) dealing with this problem together to reach an acceptable compromise, or (2) divorcing with integrity.
