I hope your trip home is what you need to take a breather, so to speak. Who couldn't love San Diego in the summer??? FTR, I often feel like you do when I come home to Virginia myself. Kind of like a fish that just doesn't fit in the pond anymore?
Danger, Will Robinson!
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He gets to rewrite history while I sit surrounded by evidence of our love together but not being able to show/receive it to/from him. I told him because I wanted to.
I'm coming at you from a POV of pure empathy and understanding, so please know that what I say is not meant to be the 2x4, okay? I was in your shoes once, and the hurt is something I know very well. It's sometimes difficult not to react to it, *especially* if this is what you normally do. (Which is exactly we say here to do a 180 for behaviors that are cheeseless tunnels.)
I did that. I also removed my wedding ring, and changed the home voicemail to exclude his name. And you can bet your ass he noticed. This backfired on me. It gave him all the fuel he needed to justify that I didn't want to be married to him. And instead of him seeing me vulnerable and hurt, I put up those protective barriers that further hammered the nails in our marital coffin.
Since you're here, I KNOW you don't want to divorce. So please stop giving him ammunition to justify his position.
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Why was he shocked when the night before he was telling the counselor that he no longer feels for me like he used to and no longer wants to be married.
Ummm, have you ever considered that he might truly be trying on these shoes to see how they fit and isn't completely closed to the idea? He just needs to see you change in order to go first? I can tell you first hand that this was definitely true in my case. And he noticed it.
OK, now it's time for you to relax a little and gather your thoughts and do something different.
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In the mean time, any suggestions on how to communicate with my H while we're in separate states?
Is he expecting you to go incommunicado because you're hurt? Then do the opposite. Text him once a day with something breezy and at a time that you know he's receptive to getting it. If he tells you to leave him alone, then honor it. Maybe try sending him a text photo of something amusing or near and dear to his heart? That has always worked well for me. And my XH too.
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Wounded, to answer your question...my pattern stems from my abandonment issues. When I get triggered a sense of panic comes over me and I react in ways that push people away. Which is the complete opposite of what I want but still, I push people away to protect myself. I'm working on it.
LOL, work harder! Because I can guarantee you it's coming into play right now. I can see this very clearly because I have the same issues. I thought I dealt with all of them until today, in my IC session some crap reared its ugly head. Again. And now my face looks like I've been bawling (which I was) and mottled. So back to work I go too. It's the gift that keeps giving. CMF, I can tell you with all honesty that it's a lonely place behind all the barriers and walls. UGH.
Have you read Susan Anderson's Journey from Abandonment to Healing? I highly recommend it. And do the exercises. They're really tough. I'm going to have to buy it again because I lent it to someone who never returned it. Damn it. It might help you understand the behaviors that get you from A to Z in 3 years???
One other suggestion that I share which was shared with me by Laurie, who was my uber awesome DB coach here. Keep a solutions journal. Try new behaviors and monitor results. That way you can notice patterns and how long back slides cost you (mine was exactly 2 weeks) and it will help you deal with those feelings that make you want to lash out.
The one thing I always asked myself before I said or did anything, "Betsey, is this going to bring you closer to your goal or move you further from it?" And it often was the only means I had to prevent myself from "speaking my mind". Arrrgh.
Good luck, and try to find some joy every day you're there. Use this time to reflect.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
