Sex was great, then we married part 3

[MrBond]

"From her perspective, sex isn’t important."

Did she specifically say that? And if she did, why isn't it important to her?

"What’s the big deal about sex, she HAD so much with so many others it’s like she’s “over it.” I didn’t exactly save myself for marriage either, but I certainly reserved myself a good bit and took my vows very seriously when I wrote them. "

Again, did SHE say any of that? Sometimes it's hard to tell what she actually has told you and what you "assume".

"THIS IS THE PART I’M REALLY TRYING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF. I am being patient, I really am, but this HURT doesn’t just go away."

Yes it does. The problem is that all you do is focus on that "hurt". SHE is not the one hurting you. You're doing it to yourself. She's not physically harming you on purpose. But because YOU tie acceptance and self-worth together with sex, you hurt yourself.

"BUT AT SOME POINT I STILL HURT. It’s like I can be patient for months, but what difference would that make if I hurt? It still feels like lying----I literally can’t talk to my best friend about something very important to me. And it becomes resentment, I’m afraid, even if I’m aware of it and don’t want it to."

You're only hurting yourself. She's not "hurting" you. I don't think you grasp that despite your protestations of the contrary.

"So…help. I’m sure other people have GAL’d or whatever, but they also HAVE to still feel these feelings of loneliness and abandonment from rejection."

Sure, but they go away when you stop focussing on them. My W left me for 3 years (and of course no sex) and the hurt went away.

"When they feel this way, what do THEY do to cope? I’d like to say if my wife was in counseling (either alone or with me) I could be much more patient, but she isn’t."

If you're referring to the spouse that doesn't think sex is important, they don't "hurt" because they don't focus on sex. I don't think you're getting the point that not everyone is going to think or behave like you. The one who wants it least is the one who will get it the most.

"I don’t think she realizes how big of a problem it is for US, not just for me. "

That is not a fair assessment. It IS a big problem for YOU and not her. I don't know why you keep arguing that you don't have a problem with that. Have you ever asked her what her expectations are in the M? I think your communication skills in understand your W and explaining your needs in a compassionate way, need serious work.