You can only change yourself. That is why we say "take the focus off fixing her" while also trying to see things from her perspective.
From her perspective, sex isn’t important. What’s the big deal about sex, she HAD so much with so many others it’s like she’s “over it.” I didn’t exactly save myself for marriage either, but I certainly reserved myself a good bit and took my vows very seriously when I wrote them.
Originally Posted By: GoatGal
Talking with her is great if she'll talk openly with you about this---but it must be framed in a way that doesn't pressure her, and it shouldn't be about you.
It should be more like: "Honey, you know I adore you and I need you to know you can talk to me about anything. Is there anything you want to talk about... because I'm feeling disconnected from you now... I worry that something might be bothering you and I want to help if I can".
Not those exact words, but you get what I mean.
I pretty much have done exactly that. She only ever says nothing is wrong. To be honest, I think that makes sense. She knows I can handle criticism better than most because I’m an artist (I crave criticism in my creative life), but nothing is really wrong for her.
More to the point, it bothers her just that I asked. I don’t ask a lot, but it’s like once was too many. So I keep it in. I don’t ask.
Originally Posted By: GoatGal
If you get nowhere, she won't talk, well, then maybe give it a little more time.
Maybe she doesn't know herself. Maybe she does but doesn't want to hurt you or risk you leaving her. Maybe she's a Martian Goddess, darned if I know.
THIS IS THE PART I’M REALLY TRYING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF. I am being patient, I really am, but this HURT doesn’t just go away. Focusing on my life and my goals, hobbies, changing, new hobbies, exercising, it all helps….BUT AT SOME POINT I STILL HURT. It’s like I can be patient for months, but what difference would that make if I hurt? It still feels like lying----I literally can’t talk to my best friend about something very important to me. And it becomes resentment, I’m afraid, even if I’m aware of it and don’t want it to.
So…help. I’m sure other people have GAL’d or whatever, but they also HAVE to still feel these feelings of loneliness and abandonment from rejection. When they feel this way, what do THEY do to cope? I’d like to say if my wife was in counseling (either alone or with me) I could be much more patient, but she isn’t. She gave me a few names of counselors on her insurance to ask my therapist if she had any recommendations. She did, only my wife never did anything.
I don’t think she realizes how big of a problem it is for US, not just for me. But I also feel like IF SHE KNEW, SHE WOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. I let her know, but I don’t think she understands that it’s real. She thinks it’s simply selfish. I don’t know what she thought about the guy she had sex with at a hockey game who treated her like garbage, but while I have all the patience I can muster, I am ANXIOUS going home now because I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I am HIDING this from the person I should be able to talk to. And the advice I get is wait a few more years from some people. It’s so hard, despite efforts to 100% stop thinking about it and become celibate.
I’m “hanging in there,” but every time I am in a meeting and all of a sudden I have an erection, or any time I can’t sleep well, or any time she kisses me the exact same way she kisses all her other male friends, I get anxious and afraid.
I appreciate your response despite me sounding like a broken record, but I come here to vent because I can’t do it at home. I go days being totally ok, then one day I FEEL ALONE and scared and anxious because I can’t make a random erection go away out of nowhere, for example
