Looking for inspiration

[mdu]

Train, I do appreciate the feedback but yes, I did find it rather harsh. More than that, though, I truly found it overwhelming. And unfortunately I allowed myself to get into a bit of a panic and called H in this overwhelmed state. It started out good with a calm discussion about me being the planner. He was emphatic that this is not an issue for him. That far and away his biggest issue with me is my anger and getting nasty when I get especially angry. This is the #1 thing he’s looking to see change before fully recommitting.

Unfortunately we then got to talking about the separation and A a bit and then one thing led to another and I ended up letting my anger get the better of me and started getting really nasty. Ugh! This is precisely what I should NOT do to win him back. It was really awful. Obviously I never should have called him in the first place given my head was already kind of ‘off’.

My #1 work, truly, is it to manage my anger and nastiness. I need to better recognize my triggers and then get myself into a calm and rational state before I speak to H (or anyone). Your post was a trigger. And not at all blaming you, Train, just stating what happened mostly for my own future reference. Anyway, your post sent my mind reeling about our M, about the A, about a million things. And then I called H. You don't have to say it, dumb, I know.

Identifying triggers is an anger management fundamental which I know well and have studied many times, implementing is another thing entirely, though. But it’s clearly absolutely key to bettering myself for both my M and other important relationships.

Eventually H and I got off the phone but the damage had been done. I felt so terrible as I calmed down and came to my senses. About 2 hours later I asked him if we could speak again, he said yes and called me. I apologized for being so nasty. Which is big for me. Not that I wouldn’t apologize previously but usually it was a disingenuous one with a….’but you did such and such’ at the end. This time I just took accountability. It was really hard to get myself there, especially given the A. But I kept reminding myself there’s no excuse for nastiness, not even an A. All it does is more damage and for what? A few minutes of feeling righteous and powerful? Ugh! Anyway, he was really receptive to my apology. And he apologized too. Then we chatted a bit and things felt back on track. Which is also big for us. Usually a blow up like this would start a vicious, never ending finger pointing battle between us.

So while it was very bad, it kind of ended good. I know the best is obviously not to engaged in this behavior in the first place. But when I make mistakes it’s good to know if I truly take accountability H will be receptive. So all in all I’m considering this a sorta success. At the very least it’s documentation of what NOT to do.