1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

Thank you for the replies. Bond, I'm more suspicious of myself than you could ever be. I question everything. For example, take going back to church. Is this for spiritual strength? Or is this so I can try to show my wife how much I've changed, impress her by inviting the kids to church someday, and maybe at some point open up the door for her to join...I've had that fantasy. But I think for someone grieving for their old life that is normal. The question I'm asking myself is 'if there was no hope at all for the marriage would you still go to church?' and my answer is yes. I need help and direction. There hasn't been much growth yet, but I'm opening the door.

To be clear I'm not saying I'm all better. That's absurd. What I'm saying for the first time is that I realize I'm not. I have done some thinking about 'if I could do it over again, would I have done it differently', and it gets discouraging because I'm still no where close to ready to be in a relationship. For example, if my wife said "I don't believe in doing a/b/c in bed anymore" I'd freak out and feel like she sentenced me to a life of feeling misunderstood, unloved, and rejected.

But the good news is that I WAS given the gift of time. And I am open to change. CMF- thank you for your replies. You hit it on the head when you said 'she loved you her own way'. Very difficult for me. My DB Phone Coach told me that if I needed my wife to do exactly A/B/C for me to feel loved then 'that was a pretty small target I was making her shoot at'. I like the way she put it. As for having 'given up'- I don't want to give up, but I do want to detach and accept that the relationship is outside of my control. I have been trying to focus on God's will right now. That may be that we're back together someday. It may not. But either way, doing things my way didn't work too much. It is all about a shift towards the needs of others and having faith it will work out. I wouldn't say my spirit has been broken, but I've definitely been humbled. And that's ok. I'm not afraid to face all my sins. I am not proud of them, but I am more focused on how to live today to stop doing this type of damage.

GoatGal, I appreciate the feedback. Today is day 5 with no porn. Not a long stretch, but the longest it could be since I only quit 5 days ago. I think your write up was very powerful and will give me additional support when I'm tested. It's difficult at a time when I feel vulnerable. But I feel the need for growth more than then need to feed desire right now. Maybe as the months roll by the lack of exposure to that world will make it easier to clear my head and expand the target that my wife would have to hit to satisfy me.

I'll update my profile later and start ordering those books. This is the first time I've been on my own in a long time...almost in my whole life. The DB says you can't be happy in a marriage if you're not happy on your own. I've always tried to work around that. Now's my chance. Thank you for taking the time to reply. For those in a healthy R, it's no accident, you put in the work and growth that I didn't. But please be appreciative for what you have and make today special for the two of you.