Grey, Arguing with my view is pointless. What is it you'd like me to write to make you feel better and I'll cut and paste it for you in my next post. That's what you want, isn't it? You simply don't want to hear what anyone has to say to you here- every post receives a retort from you. If you know so much, why aren't you having S with your wife? I have plenty with mine.
I pointed out how you talked "over" your W instead of listening. Oddly enough (*cough* *cough*) that's just what you do on here. Strange how that works, isn't it? Perhaps I'm seeing EXACTLY what your W does.
Stop rebutting- this isn't a court. We're posting here to help you, not hurt you. I want you to have S with your wife, and I want your W to WANT to have S with you! Slow down, listen, listen, listen, think, listen , think, then talk.
I'm heading out for vacation, so best of luck. -HS
That’s not true at all. I have listened plenty. And I’m not trying to argue with you. I also don’t appreciate being belittled, especially here.
The problem I have is that you’re giving advice (and scorning people for not taking it) that doesn’t follow the direction of expert, including doctors, including Michele, and including my own therapist.
I don’t debate every point. I don’t understand how some people say they have noticed no changes. I’ve listed them plenty. I’m working on getting better sleep deliberately (exercise including walking the dogs alone at night, baths at night, no TV or internet after 10 PM, no caffeine or sugar after 8 PM, steady schedule, etc.), training my dogs more (60 minutes a day), getting up with the dogs every day so my wife can get more rest, going to a therapist (how that got past anybody for me trying to change is very confusing), not bringing up (despite talking about it all of two times, once at the advice of many people including my therapist), meditation (new to me), I have a calendar now so planning for us is easier than ever, I’m painting more, playing more music outside of the house, hell I’m putting a group show together with 50+ artists and four bands for September and writing for the #1 magazine in town on the side (talk about GAL).
You say all I do is complain about “all the things your wife is doing wrong.” Listen closely, and you’ll see the only thing my wife is doing wrong is not accepting personal responsibility to compromise and talk about our relationship. The reason why it sounds so negative to you is because I’m trying to find a way to get her to do that, to not walk all over me, to talk to me, to be part of the relationship in a deliberate way rather than just a side effect of being together. For now, we’re roommates. If you read only Michele’s books you’ll hear and recognize all of this. My wife heard me, and no, I didn’t say it perfectly, but she’s more prepared to do something about it, including counseling, I just want her to take the next step, a single step, on her own----when I ask here for advice about how to do that, some people seem to interpret it as how to change my wife to “scratch my itch,” rather than understanding it’s not an itch to scratch; it’s a need, but the need is a side effect of fixing out marriage first. Struggling with that need is something I’m surprised so many people here in particular have chastised me for.
Originally Posted By: MrBond
just a few weeks without sex and you feel de-valued
Yes, that’s right. After a month, I started noticing how bad it felt and how the rejection was affecting me. Nobody can help how they feel, though. We can change how we react to how we feel, and that’s what I’m working on the hardest, but the need doesn’t disappear and the rejection doesn’t stop affecting me, and I’m working on that and hopefully together we will work on that soon in couples counseling, too. Just working on it together is enough for me, but patience can’t come without a price, and no effort to take any responsibility doesn’t work for any marriage no matter what problems there are.
I love my wife. I saw my therapist again yesterday. I’m doing good. I am not doing everything perfectly, but we have to be allowed to make mistakes, as long as I’m trying and BELIEVE there’s hope she will become part of the equation (that doesn’t mean sex alone).
