He came to counseling! Not in the pretense I would like but still he showed up. Despite him speaking in negatives I believe it was a positive experience for him. He got to voice his feelings in a safe environment and it helped me validate him and show empathy. Afterwards he was completely different...nice and friendly. Perhaps out of guilt...i dunno but I just rolled with it. Should I celebrate? Maybe a little.
The following morning he got up early to take me to the airport. I was expecting it to be a curbside drop off but he parked the car. Took care of the luggage, checked me in, walked with me to the security checkpoint, and waited til I made it through. I looked back and for a second I thought I saw him wiping a tear away. He insisted that I text him to let him know each time I boarded and landed through all my flights; which I did. I also emailed him the address and phone numbers to which he replied hoping that my flight went well. I received two phone calls from him. One to ask if how my flight went. He shared a little bit of work drama and I shared vague details about a planned camping trip and cut the convo short. He called again later in the afternoon to open and read my mail to me. We have not had this much contact in quite a while. I enjoyed it but I was also skeptical. I texted later this evening to see how his first day by himself went. I kept it casual and friendly. He was polite but seemed withdrawn.
Also, prior to leaving for the airport I made a conscious decision to take down all of our pictures and wedding mementos. My way of detaching...not sure if this was good or bad. Since he walked in the bedroom and asked me why I had taken them down. A part of me wanted to last out. He gets to rewrite history while I sit surrounded by evidence of our love together but not being able to show/receive it to/from him. I told him because I wanted to. What I really wanted to say was "because you've obviously moved on and have removed me from you heart so I'm doing the same." I'm not sure to what to make of his response. Why was he shocked when the night before he was telling the counselor that he no longer feels for me like he used to and no longer wants to be married.
I arrived safely at my hometown and have taken the opportunity to just relax. It feels good to be out of that negative environment. Betsey, you are right. I am learning things about my H that I don't like. He's like a completely different person...possessed somehow. It kinda frightens me and leads me to believe that I married a complete stranger! Some days it feels like one big nightmare that I can't wake up from.
I'm feeling very melancholic this evening. Homesick even. After landing and smelling that San Diego coastal a sense of relief and nostalgia came over me. I was back home in my home town but yet out of place. Then I thought back to the home I left in VA and remembered this awful situation and suddenly the home my H and I made together no longer feels like home.
Wounded, to answer your question...my pattern stems from my abandonment issues. When I get triggered a sense of panic comes over me and I react in ways that push people away. Which is the complete opposite of what I want but still, I push people away to protect myself. I'm working on it.
I think i will schedule my next coaching soon. In the mean time, any suggestions on how to communicate with my H while we're in separate states?
