WAW separation begins

[Roid76]

Fairly new to stuff here anyway, but dealing with kids too. My thoughts on kids and contact, are try to set up a plan or the best you can. Kids will be wanting to call at random times, and we are splitting close to 50/50. I get random calls from them, usually if I am the one calling to her for them, I just hand the phone over, and make sure she is done and then either hanguo or say by if she does. But like I said, mine want to call when they want, and you need to let that happen when possible.

It's near impossible to go completely dark with kids, but when you do have to converse, keep it all business like, but be nice, have set up times for drop offs and pick ups, and just be happy that you are being there for the kids. I don't know for sure on your stich, but don't get dragged into anything that isn't kid related. Just validate and be happy. Don't know if this is all right, but it's what I found that works for me.

Don't be afraid to keep asking questions either, it helps to know exactly what to do. And remember that if something isn't working, time to change gears. Kids are a tough one, but just keep moving!!

[Wonka]

Ray,

You cannot go dark on the kids. You are their Father!!!!

You can contact W and set a regular schedule for visits and Skype sessions with your kids.

Then all of your communications with W are to be focused on the kids as necessary. Don't try to use the kids to communicate with W. See what I am saying here?

Keeping the road home paved smooth, to me, means not guilting/shaming (as Ad said above) the WAS, holding on to your scorecard and resentments, engaging in righteous indignation, and showing true forgiveness. You focus on her good qualities instead of past mistakes.

[rayzzz]

Ok this is probrably a no brained detaching question:
Do you take pictures of your WAS off your walls, iPhone wallpaper etc ? I just miss her so but I better....right?

[Thornton]

Do the pics cause you pain when you look at them? Prevent you from detaching?

I had to delete WAW's contact info from my phone, her emails, etc because I couldn't stop looking at them. It started to make me go crazy.

[rayzzz]

Keeping the road home paved smooth, to me, means not guilting/shaming (as Ad said above) the WAS, holding on to your scorecard and resentments, engaging in righteous indignation, and showing true forgiveness. You focus on her good qualities instead of past mistakes.

Thanks Wonka. I absolutely want to focus on "more of the same as" good stuff on WAW. Wonka and Roid76 thanks for tips with kids. This morning was the first morning of not hearing or seeing them as they woke up. saw them this afternoon and gave them this bearhug "Dad. We just saw you yesterday"...held in the tears and i think this first couple weeks will be the hardest.

Thornton; blah...I am torn...I want to be reminded of who I am fighting for (hence wedding photo on wall) but detaching gets hard sometimes too. maybe just keep on iphone i can look at every once and a while to inspire my 180. I will tell you how it goes. This is the first week of dark, thanks for encouraging me in this Thor...so i am feeling the loss and am missing her and the kids...i can't even put it into words ..like falling into a chasm .
but todays update:
WAW told me she got a huge promotion to running her own store and I know she is excited and relieved she doesn't have to share her hefty raise with me. absolutely positive this was planned out months ago so as soon as we split she would get this great new start on life. I did tell her I was proud of her though and left it at that.Cleaning our old house together I was pretty upbeat and she looked pretty dejected and tired...maybe i could've validated her then but I thought I would just let her sort whatever she was going through without me.
Going GAL to see another band tomorrow night with new friends so thats just what I need. I have seen four bands in three months which is more than I have seen in six years altogether! This is good for me.

[rayzzz]

Weird day. Finished cleaning & moving out today so I had to continue to tell myself. To STFU as I just wanted to scream "ok this has been a nice extrusion in our marriage but let's go back to loving each other ".....instead she was in a pissy mood all day and I guess my dB of whistling happily may not have helped
WAW "why are you whistling all of a sudden?"
Me in thought "to keep my PMA up and look 'as if' I am having a great day"

Then my S4 birthday today . At their new home sharing with inLaws
Everything is so WEIRD now. We had such a great relationship now everyone has pulled back and I realize I am the outsider again

WAW is so mad at me for numerous reasons and I honestly think she has been 180ing me too. I don't think going Dark will affect her at all for the first month but it will be good detaching practice for me

Ah well I text you from a punk rawk concert I am GALing at.
Listening to hard rock will keep my mind off WAW.

[Old Dog]

Ah well I text you from a punk rawk concert I am GALing at.
Listening to hard rock will keep my mind off WAW.

Who are you going to see rayzzz?

In my head I've started compiling a list of happy & upbeat tunes. Maybe I should post it somewhere.

[rayzzz]

Ah well I text you from a punk rawk concert I am GALing at.
Listening to hard rock will keep my mind off WAW.

Who are you going to see rayzzz?

In my head I've started compiling a list of happy & upbeat tunes. Maybe I should post it somewhere.

Cool! I saw the 427s a local independent Canadian guitar driven "surf" band. It was made up of high school music teachers and was only instrumental. I was pleasantly surprised. pretty cool

Hey totally put your upbeat songlist down odsnt! I already have Violent Femmes "Blister in the Sun" as one ...:D

[rayzzz]

Don't know if this has been touched on yet but Emotional Affairs temptations of LBS seem to be something I have just realized and am trying to avoid.
I think many of us miss our WAW as our best friends. It just ain't the same sharing stuff with dudes! Or maybe thats just how I connect. I have just met this new divorced woman and we are becoming friends but I realize "wholly cow man, you just want her as a best friend to fill the void of your W!"
That kind of neediness has to go and as a spiritual person I am going to throw that need for deep friendship to God.
Sex is not the temptation its that safe emotional bond.

Ugh.

Think I am really vulnerable today as well cause i had a career highlight as a musician playing for Canada Day and I wish my WAW and kids could be there to share my accomplishments....it just hurts. Plus for the first time ever I did not talk or see my children today. ugh. First month...it will get easier...
And I am taking them overnight tomorrow for the first time so that will be exciting.

On top of this my mentor,family therapist friend(F) who I always confide in...who we both always confided in before BD, my WAW says she talked to him! He has been a main support in this painful time and she texts me:

"I talked to F today..he is proud of us in our own way...this won't be easy but we will find our way and we will make it"
WTF does that mean? F always shared realities that some M fail and others beat the odds after separations, affairs etc...
Is he telling WAW "well if you feel its over" and at the same time telling me "well keep fighting for it"?
**But even though I felt this way I forced myself to validate and texted back
"I am glad you talked to him. He's always been such a support to both of us.**" sound good vets?

I am just reacting I think and mind reading....deep breaths...doesnt matter what he says I am still not giving up...

So this day has been rough but I am going to end it on a good note with some mind heart clearing meditation. PMA PMA PMA PMA
ok...and go..(limping forward)

[pilot]

I say if you have a friendship that you can keep as a friendship, then no harm no foul. So what if it is with a member of the opposite sex. Set your own boundaries and stick with them. And be sure the other person knows your boundaries as well. You need friends.

I am not sure I understand your C. He is telling you to keep fighting for your M but telling your W that it she should move on?

I would not read into the text from your W in any way. It has too many ambiguities to know for sure. So for that reason alone, I would just take it as a positive she contacted you and leave it at that.