...and now he's pouting because I politely declined his offer to swoop in and save the day.
I can handle him pouting- I actually prefer it because he goes dark. I just don't want him to start backing out of promises or retaliating like a child.
I really am polite- I triple check all of my communication before I send it! Lol it must be a combo of the stress at work and his needs not being met (which is why he wants to be "friends"- eases his guilt, I believe. So me not allowing it makes him sit with it)
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
I officially sold my car today. It's gone. It was a MINI Cooper, which was a wedding present from H (he surprised me by selling his car for the down payment and secured financing on it before we even got to the dealership. It was unbelievably sweet.) That was 4 years ago, almost to the day.
I started crying this morning as I was cleaning the car out of all my personal belongings and haven't stopped since. Among the stuff I found in the glovebox was the original paperwork and the receipt from the sale of his car. I absolutely broke down.
Is this Acceptance? Finally I "get" that he's gone, that the M is over? God, I hope so because I can't live like this much longer.
He's been very sweet the past 2 days. Yesterday he took the truck to a mechanic to make sure it's safe before I get it, which will delay me getting it for a couple days. I literally have no car right now. He apologized and texted me "I know you think I don't care about you but I do. I just want to make sure you are safe". And then today he texted to ask if the MINI was officially gone and when I told him it was, he texted (referring to the reason we got the car in the first place) " I just wanted you to be happy. I just want you to be okay and safe."
This is the first time I can see my old H coming out of the fog and it's terrifying. It's terrifying that he may come out on the other side and still not want to be M to me. And I have zero control of it.
I was doing great up until today. I don't know if I have ever cried this much in my life. My eyes are literally swollen to the point I can barely see. I don't understand WHY now???? It's just a car! He's supposed to drop the truck off tomorrow, and I need to figure out how to escape so I don't see him. I don't know if I could hold it together.
I have continued to DB as much as possible. I don't respond to every text- I'm neighbor friendly with him, etc. no R talk. CLEARLY I am not detached. I desperately want to be.
Someone please just tell me how to heal. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 50 back.
Last edited by artsy; 07/02/1402:18 AM.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Sorry you're feeling this way. Yes it's just a car, but that car obviously has symbolic meaning for you. It's ok to have a bad day, actually probably really good that you cried...better than bottling it all up. Unfortunately the only way to heal is with time. Hang in there. (())
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
((((artsy))))) I can relate to that the pain comes in waves, and some days are hard.
Detachment is easier if you GAL do things that will occupy (& be good for) you, and which are not linked to your R.
I’ve found exercise - every single day/esp. on hard days - to very helpful and recommend it. I’ve found it to be a really healthy place for me to put frustrations about lack of control, disappointments etc., both about my separation and other challenges. I do it through a class type regime so there’s also a social aspect. But before I had that, I would just run while listening to music or swim at the local pool. You get happy from the fitness and/or the physically tiredness can work against worrying.
The weekend I don’t have D2, I try my best to fill it with activities – even when I don’t feel doing much. It can be as simple as looking around a museum. It also helps to have something to look forward to/think about in the future – e.g. can you plan a trip somewhere in 4/5 months time? Can you have lunch with a friend next week? Sometimes I think, these are hard days, but I will make it to then [date that something is planned]. Charity work is occupying and makes you feel good too.
“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.” ― Mahatma Gandhi
I'm sorry you are having a tough day. Please know your feelings are perfectly normal. It's okay to cry.
I am beyond impressed with your GAL while on the midst of a career change a d raising D while dealing with this. I always enjoy reading your posts because I can totally relate to how you look for signs and are aware that the universe and God speaks to you. That is fantastic that you actually a) ask and b) look. Most folks don't do that.
It's okay to let go. You are a smart, funny lady who is doing some great things and making some positive changes in your life. Please know you will not be okay. You will be incredible!
Sending you a hug:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 07/02/1402:58 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
((((Lost, buddy, GB, Thornton)))) hugs back to you in appreciation.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm better today.
The strange thing is, I do have faith and hope that H and I will be together agin some day (although, fear creeps in once in awhile). The car triggered a flood of good memories and sadness for things in the past that are gone- I think H was a little sad yesterday, too, based on his texts. At least it's over, huh?
To use a car analogy: I gotta stop looking in the rear view mirror- I'm not going in that direction.
Now I need to prepare myself for when he comes to get his things. That will also be a horrible day (no idea when that will be). But hopefully I can brace myself for it- the car thing took me by surprise.
My GAL is temporarily disabled: waiting on the truck and all of my GAL friends are sick/working/out of town. I know lack of GAL is a huge contributor to my mental state. Gotta get back out there!!!!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
He dropped the truck off tonight... Never realized how I took the freedom of driving for granted, and I was only carless for like 30 hours!!!! Whoa.
I made sure I wasn't home when he was here. Not for the sake of DB, but I just didn't want to see him. And, his dad was with him- his parents have not acknowledged me in any way during all of this. After yesterday I just didn't have the emotional fortitude to be a gracious host at my house for the both of them.
So, I went on an hour and a half walk, and prayed they would be gone by the time I got back. Lol I think it would have been obvious that I was avoiding them if they saw me out walking... And it worked!!!! God's still on my side!
I sent H a text that simply said "thank you" . He replied he never got a chance to clean it and then offered (again) to come over next week and clean it out. I'm not sure what the deal is with that- it literally took me 30 minutes to vacuum it out and wipe it down inside. I'm assuming it's more guilt for him.?????
I had to spray it down with enzyme cleaner because he sprayed his cologne in it... strange. But now it's squeaky clean and ready to be my chariot!!!!!!
...and, I've talked about cars more the past week than I have in my entire life. Enough about that!!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Lol! This isn't the first time he's done something like that- back in February he took one of the dogs for the weekend and sprayed her with cologne, too. It was concentrated on one spot on her back. Took over a week to dissipate.
WAS's are so strange...
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
