This is probably the best thing I've heard you say so far. There is healing...the kind you feel is impossible in your M right now. This is a perfect 180! God will lead you if seek with the right heart. You can do all the healing you want through therapy, coaching...etc. but nothing fulfills your spirit more than healing from God. Be forwarned, if there is to be true spiritual healing in you, He will reveal all of your sins and you need to be ready to be accountable for them. There is hope for your marriage through God so don't give up so easily.
Yeah, you made mistakes and yes you probably could have been a better H. So now that this have been revealed to you...what will you do with it? I sense that you're resigning to the fact that there's too many obstacles in your M for it to be healed. And, that you think it's okay to walk away because you've caused too much damage or are somehow are not good enough for your W. Which is exactly what the enemy wants you to see. But yes, I do believe you need to heal first before you can be a better H to your W but it does not have to cost you your M.
If you're serious check out the book "Power of a Praying Husband" by Stormie Omartian. This will help you pray for wife and you will learn a thing or two about being a H in the eyes of The Lord. It's a 30-day devotional. You will read 1-2 pages about a topic (ie...her emotions or sexuality) and then a prayer will be followed along with supporting verses from the bible. It's quite easy...a no-brainer really. You can build from there.
This kind of transformation is powerful and if your W is the kind that appreciates the leadership of a Godly man, she will take notice and perhaps by your faithful obedience God may effect change within her too. Does she share your faith?
Here's a little motivation for you:
"The heart of the prudent acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge." Proverbs 18:15
